wallace-l: the last moments...

Wed Sep 17 15:24:15 CDT 2008

Yeah, me and my BF had the same thought about his poor wife. God, I can't imagine.

BUT I WASN'T JEALOUS OF HER! I swear! I think I must have already given up on DFW, being as small dark and sinister as I am, not at all his type. Also, could I have dealt with never winning another argument?? No. I would have been content to lose to him at Trivia Pursuit on occasion. I did always have a dream of having him be my "phone a friend" if I ever got on that Millionaire show... 

-Marie

--- On Wed, 9/17/08, Brenda Dallaway <brengun at gmail.com> wrote:

> From: Brenda Dallaway <brengun at gmail.com>
> Subject: Re: wallace-l: the last moments...
> To: "wallace-l" <wallace-l at waste.org>
> Date: Wednesday, September 17, 2008, 3:39 PM
> Yes, so on the mark Marie and Leigh. In my experience, too,
> it wasn't pain,
> but the lack of it. It was feeling nothing about
> everything. And to go
> outside where people seemed to move so easily through the
> world with no
> apparent happiness or curiosity about Life, well that made
> it worse - an
> affront, a taunt. I'm the same species?! Drop the bomb.
> 
> I keep thinking about his Kenyon address and when I first
> read it I wished
> the entire world would, could just do what he says, and
> then everything
> would be manageable.Why is it so hard to see 'the
> water'?
> 
> My heart's also broken for his wife. I'm going to
> em-bare-ass myself here
> and say that when it was announced he was engaged I felt
> that twinge, that
> irrational,silly, juvenile "damn!". (C'mon
> girls, I know I'm not alone in
> that...) But she has a final image of him that's going
> to pop-up uncalled
> for, for the rest of her life. When I see the letters DFW I
> cry for his
> struggle and the books that will never be, she sees... oh
> god..."tabula the
> rasa". I'd take some of her grief from her, as
> payment for the joy he's
> brought me, if I could.
> 
> As for my days at the office this week, I've worn my
> ETA shirt and I've been
> listening to his interviews and readings, occasionally
> interrupted by
> coworkers who say "oh yeah, that writer you like.
> Sucks. Listen, could you
> ____?" wallacelist, thank you. Thank you.
> 
> Brenda
> 
> On Wed, Sep 17, 2008 at 10:20 AM, Leigh
> <herself at gmail.com> wrote:
> 
> > << William Styron in "Darkness
> Visible" >>
> >
> > He wrote in that book that if he were sitting at a
> table, and on the
> > other side of the table, there was something that he
> knew would help
> > him feel better, he was so paralyzed by depression
> that he could not
> > reach across the table for whatever it was. At least
> that's how I
> > remember the description.
> >
> > Personally, I think one has to be very brave to face
> suicide. I also
> > think it takes a certain level of competence. When one
> is that
> > depressed, just assembling the materials you will need
> to kill
> > yourself can be a challenge.
> >
> > << the pain is too much >>
> >
> > In my experience, there wasn't really pain, there
> was vast emptiness.
> > I never cried once during the bad depression, I
> couldn't. When I was
> > younger, I was bulimic. At one point during the
> depression, I forced
> > myself to go buy a bunch of donuts, hoping that
> somehow binging would
> > bring me some sort of feeling. Nope, nothing.
> >
> > That's why I found the recent suggestion to go
> "eat something
> > wonderful" to be quite off the mark.
> >
> > Thanks for the description, Marie, I think you got it
> right.
> >
> > Leigh
> >
> > On Tue, Sep 16, 2008 at 7:04 PM, Marie Mundaca
> <mungo181 at yahoo.com> wrote:
> > > I can't speak to anyone else's particular
> state of mind, but this I know,
> > and for the sake of search engines this happened to
> someone else I'm very
> > close to.
> > >
> > > It's not like one day you wake up and think
> "This is a good day to die."
> > You wake up every day thinking this. Actually,
> you're thinking this is a
> > fucking terrible day. Everything is terrible. This
> very dear friend of mine,
> > she'd see people on the subway with 3 kids with
> terrible colds, on their way
> > to drop the kids off at school or day care before they
> go to their horrible
> > job where they get yelled at by men with tight
> polyester pants and bad
> > comb-overs and she would think, "why don't
> these people want to jump off a
> > building like I do?" Sure, she had some real
> problems, but she felt like
> > this before she had those real problems. She'd
> been on and off
> > anti-depressants for years, and in and out of therapy.
> nothing worked. she'd
> > go to work every day and see her friends and pretend
> nothing was wrong, but
> > she hated everything and nothing brought her any joy,
> not even chocolate and
> > petting the cat (not a euphamism). she attempted
> suicide like maybe 3-4
> > times, 2
> > >  were just half-assed attempts, more a
> "goddamn i'm so angry and sad i
> > don't know what to do" and 2 very serious
> attempts. but she was always too
> > chicken to do anything not reversible, so after each
> one she walked herself
> > to the hospital after a few minutes or hours. well,
> the last one she didn't
> > walk, someone poured her into a taxi.
> > >
> > > oh, yeah, the question. definitely mind-blowingly
> out of her mind at
> > those times. but also a big fat chicken. a calculated
> decision, but crazy.
> > >
> > > she often, for months at a time, would think
> every day about killing
> > herself, but would set little goals for herself
> because she knew that a few
> > people would feel really bad about the whole thing,
> and that her father
> > might yell at her mother that it was all her fault.
> > >
> > > for the record several other women in her
> extended family have attempted
> > suicide. they obviously all have very fucked up brain
> chemistry. none of
> > them, also for the record, were as smart or successful
> as DFW, but all
> > pretty much held things together for a long long time
> and no one ever knew
> > these things about them.
> > >
> > >
> > > Several times she thought about checking into a
> facility, but she was
> > afraid of being treated badly by nurses and being on
> thorazine and having to
> > play ping pong all day because her insurance sucked.
> several of her
> > psychiatrists recommended ect, but she was afraid of
> memory loss. but other
> > than those two things she tried everything, even crazy
> shit like brain-wave
> > stuff and eye movements and yoga.
> > >
> > > she's on cymbalta now--it's the 1st drug
> that ever worked for her, and
> > she can't believe that this is what normal people
> feel like! It's crazy.
> > they don't think of jumping in front of trains or
> anything like that.
> > >
> > > I imagine that for quite a long time poor Dave
> felt like she did, but
> > then it got worse. Dave was always much more
> successful than her at
> > everything he did, unfortunately.
> > >
> > > Every time I pass a movie poster for
> "Blindness" I think "Didn't Dave
> > want to stick around for that??"
> > >
> > > -marie
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > --- On Tue, 9/16/08, RS
> <rs40 at roadrunner.com> wrote:
> > >
> > >> From: RS <rs40 at roadrunner.com>
> > >> Subject: wallace-l: the last moments...
> > >> To: "'wallace-l'"
> <wallace-l at waste.org>
> > >> Date: Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 6:20 PM
> > >> Look, I'm really not trying to
> intellectualize this, or
> > >> to turn our
> > >> beloved's passing into fodder for
> conversation.  But I
> > >> really need to know.
> > >> In those moments when he did it, was he sane
> or was he
> > >> driven over the edge,
> > >> basically temporarily insane in those last
> moments.  Is
> > >> suicide by
> > >> definition irrational and "crazy,"
> and thus is
> > >> the act undertaken by a
> > >> person whose sanity has suddenly and
> profoundly left them,
> > >> or can it be a
> > >> calm, rational, calculated decision?  What
> haunts me most
> > >> is the potential
> > >> fear and feeling of loss he might've been
> feeling when
> > >> it happened.  But I
> > >> think, maybe if he were almost in a near
> deranged state,
> > >> that it might be
> > >> easier to handle.  Just wondering if anyone
> has knowledge
> > >> of this.
> > >>
> > >>
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> > >
> > >
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