wallace-l: the last moments...

[team srini]

any word of a note ?  :(

-s

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On Wed, Sep 17, 2008 at 10:20 AM, Leigh <herself at gmail.com> wrote:

> << William Styron in "Darkness Visible" >>
>
> He wrote in that book that if he were sitting at a table, and on the
> other side of the table, there was something that he knew would help
> him feel better, he was so paralyzed by depression that he could not
> reach across the table for whatever it was. At least that's how I
> remember the description.
>
> Personally, I think one has to be very brave to face suicide. I also
> think it takes a certain level of competence. When one is that
> depressed, just assembling the materials you will need to kill
> yourself can be a challenge.
>
> << the pain is too much >>
>
> In my experience, there wasn't really pain, there was vast emptiness.
> I never cried once during the bad depression, I couldn't. When I was
> younger, I was bulimic. At one point during the depression, I forced
> myself to go buy a bunch of donuts, hoping that somehow binging would
> bring me some sort of feeling. Nope, nothing.
>
> That's why I found the recent suggestion to go "eat something
> wonderful" to be quite off the mark.
>
> Thanks for the description, Marie, I think you got it right.
>
> Leigh
>
> On Tue, Sep 16, 2008 at 7:04 PM, Marie Mundaca <mungo181 at yahoo.com> wrote:
> > I can't speak to anyone else's particular state of mind, but this I know,
> and for the sake of search engines this happened to someone else I'm very
> close to.
> >
> > It's not like one day you wake up and think "This is a good day to die."
> You wake up every day thinking this. Actually, you're thinking this is a
> fucking terrible day. Everything is terrible. This very dear friend of mine,
> she'd see people on the subway with 3 kids with terrible colds, on their way
> to drop the kids off at school or day care before they go to their horrible
> job where they get yelled at by men with tight polyester pants and bad
> comb-overs and she would think, "why don't these people want to jump off a
> building like I do?" Sure, she had some real problems, but she felt like
> this before she had those real problems. She'd been on and off
> anti-depressants for years, and in and out of therapy. nothing worked. she'd
> go to work every day and see her friends and pretend nothing was wrong, but
> she hated everything and nothing brought her any joy, not even chocolate and
> petting the cat (not a euphamism). she attempted suicide like maybe 3-4
> times, 2
> >  were just half-assed attempts, more a "goddamn i'm so angry and sad i
> don't know what to do" and 2 very serious attempts. but she was always too
> chicken to do anything not reversible, so after each one she walked herself
> to the hospital after a few minutes or hours. well, the last one she didn't
> walk, someone poured her into a taxi.
> >
> > oh, yeah, the question. definitely mind-blowingly out of her mind at
> those times. but also a big fat chicken. a calculated decision, but crazy.
> >
> > she often, for months at a time, would think every day about killing
> herself, but would set little goals for herself because she knew that a few
> people would feel really bad about the whole thing, and that her father
> might yell at her mother that it was all her fault.
> >
> > for the record several other women in her extended family have attempted
> suicide. they obviously all have very fucked up brain chemistry. none of
> them, also for the record, were as smart or successful as DFW, but all
> pretty much held things together for a long long time and no one ever knew
> these things about them.
> >
> >
> > Several times she thought about checking into a facility, but she was
> afraid of being treated badly by nurses and being on thorazine and having to
> play ping pong all day because her insurance sucked. several of her
> psychiatrists recommended ect, but she was afraid of memory loss. but other
> than those two things she tried everything, even crazy shit like brain-wave
> stuff and eye movements and yoga.
> >
> > she's on cymbalta now--it's the 1st drug that ever worked for her, and
> she can't believe that this is what normal people feel like! It's crazy.
> they don't think of jumping in front of trains or anything like that.
> >
> > I imagine that for quite a long time poor Dave felt like she did, but
> then it got worse. Dave was always much more successful than her at
> everything he did, unfortunately.
> >
> > Every time I pass a movie poster for "Blindness" I think "Didn't Dave
> want to stick around for that??"
> >
> > -marie
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > --- On Tue, 9/16/08, RS <rs40 at roadrunner.com> wrote:
> >
> >> From: RS <rs40 at roadrunner.com>
> >> Subject: wallace-l: the last moments...
> >> To: "'wallace-l'" <wallace-l at waste.org>
> >> Date: Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 6:20 PM
> >> Look, I'm really not trying to intellectualize this, or
> >> to turn our
> >> beloved's passing into fodder for conversation.  But I
> >> really need to know.
> >> In those moments when he did it, was he sane or was he
> >> driven over the edge,
> >> basically temporarily insane in those last moments.  Is
> >> suicide by
> >> definition irrational and "crazy," and thus is
> >> the act undertaken by a
> >> person whose sanity has suddenly and profoundly left them,
> >> or can it be a
> >> calm, rational, calculated decision?  What haunts me most
> >> is the potential
> >> fear and feeling of loss he might've been feeling when
> >> it happened.  But I
> >> think, maybe if he were almost in a near deranged state,
> >> that it might be
> >> easier to handle.  Just wondering if anyone has knowledge
> >> of this.
> >>
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> >
> >
> >
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