wallace-l: the last moments...

Wed Sep 17 18:33:27 CDT 2008

<< any word of a note ? >>

I would imagine if he left a note, it was intended for his loved ones
only. When I was feeling that way, I prepared a page with bank account
numbers and passwords and such, and at the bottom, wrote how much I
loved my family. And thought about whether I should put my porn in the
garbage (figuring it would end up being my parents who sorted through
my things).

I think suicide notes are left more by people who kill themselves
while angry, not so much by depressed people. I do not think we are
going to hear any news of a "note".

Leigh

On Wed, Sep 17, 2008 at 12:23 PM, team srini <teamsrini at gmail.com> wrote:
>
> any word of a note ?  :(
> -s
> ----------------------------------------------------
> www.StickerNation.com
> "stickers made easy" (tm)
>
>
> On Wed, Sep 17, 2008 at 10:20 AM, Leigh <herself at gmail.com> wrote:
>>
>> << William Styron in "Darkness Visible" >>
>>
>> He wrote in that book that if he were sitting at a table, and on the
>> other side of the table, there was something that he knew would help
>> him feel better, he was so paralyzed by depression that he could not
>> reach across the table for whatever it was. At least that's how I
>> remember the description.
>>
>> Personally, I think one has to be very brave to face suicide. I also
>> think it takes a certain level of competence. When one is that
>> depressed, just assembling the materials you will need to kill
>> yourself can be a challenge.
>>
>> << the pain is too much >>
>>
>> In my experience, there wasn't really pain, there was vast emptiness.
>> I never cried once during the bad depression, I couldn't. When I was
>> younger, I was bulimic. At one point during the depression, I forced
>> myself to go buy a bunch of donuts, hoping that somehow binging would
>> bring me some sort of feeling. Nope, nothing.
>>
>> That's why I found the recent suggestion to go "eat something
>> wonderful" to be quite off the mark.
>>
>> Thanks for the description, Marie, I think you got it right.
>>
>> Leigh
>>
>> On Tue, Sep 16, 2008 at 7:04 PM, Marie Mundaca <mungo181 at yahoo.com> wrote:
>> > I can't speak to anyone else's particular state of mind, but this I
>> > know, and for the sake of search engines this happened to someone else I'm
>> > very close to.
>> >
>> > It's not like one day you wake up and think "This is a good day to die."
>> > You wake up every day thinking this. Actually, you're thinking this is a
>> > fucking terrible day. Everything is terrible. This very dear friend of mine,
>> > she'd see people on the subway with 3 kids with terrible colds, on their way
>> > to drop the kids off at school or day care before they go to their horrible
>> > job where they get yelled at by men with tight polyester pants and bad
>> > comb-overs and she would think, "why don't these people want to jump off a
>> > building like I do?" Sure, she had some real problems, but she felt like
>> > this before she had those real problems. She'd been on and off
>> > anti-depressants for years, and in and out of therapy. nothing worked. she'd
>> > go to work every day and see her friends and pretend nothing was wrong, but
>> > she hated everything and nothing brought her any joy, not even chocolate and
>> > petting the cat (not a euphamism). she attempted suicide like maybe 3-4
>> > times, 2
>> >  were just half-assed attempts, more a "goddamn i'm so angry and sad i
>> > don't know what to do" and 2 very serious attempts. but she was always too
>> > chicken to do anything not reversible, so after each one she walked herself
>> > to the hospital after a few minutes or hours. well, the last one she didn't
>> > walk, someone poured her into a taxi.
>> >
>> > oh, yeah, the question. definitely mind-blowingly out of her mind at
>> > those times. but also a big fat chicken. a calculated decision, but crazy.
>> >
>> > she often, for months at a time, would think every day about killing
>> > herself, but would set little goals for herself because she knew that a few
>> > people would feel really bad about the whole thing, and that her father
>> > might yell at her mother that it was all her fault.
>> >
>> > for the record several other women in her extended family have attempted
>> > suicide. they obviously all have very fucked up brain chemistry. none of
>> > them, also for the record, were as smart or successful as DFW, but all
>> > pretty much held things together for a long long time and no one ever knew
>> > these things about them.
>> >
>> >
>> > Several times she thought about checking into a facility, but she was
>> > afraid of being treated badly by nurses and being on thorazine and having to
>> > play ping pong all day because her insurance sucked. several of her
>> > psychiatrists recommended ect, but she was afraid of memory loss. but other
>> > than those two things she tried everything, even crazy shit like brain-wave
>> > stuff and eye movements and yoga.
>> >
>> > she's on cymbalta now--it's the 1st drug that ever worked for her, and
>> > she can't believe that this is what normal people feel like! It's crazy.
>> > they don't think of jumping in front of trains or anything like that.
>> >
>> > I imagine that for quite a long time poor Dave felt like she did, but
>> > then it got worse. Dave was always much more successful than her at
>> > everything he did, unfortunately.
>> >
>> > Every time I pass a movie poster for "Blindness" I think "Didn't Dave
>> > want to stick around for that??"
>> >
>> > -marie
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > --- On Tue, 9/16/08, RS <rs40 at roadrunner.com> wrote:
>> >
>> >> From: RS <rs40 at roadrunner.com>
>> >> Subject: wallace-l: the last moments...
>> >> To: "'wallace-l'" <wallace-l at waste.org>
>> >> Date: Tuesday, September 16, 2008, 6:20 PM
>> >> Look, I'm really not trying to intellectualize this, or
>> >> to turn our
>> >> beloved's passing into fodder for conversation.  But I
>> >> really need to know.
>> >> In those moments when he did it, was he sane or was he
>> >> driven over the edge,
>> >> basically temporarily insane in those last moments.  Is
>> >> suicide by
>> >> definition irrational and "crazy," and thus is
>> >> the act undertaken by a
>> >> person whose sanity has suddenly and profoundly left them,
>> >> or can it be a
>> >> calm, rational, calculated decision?  What haunts me most
>> >> is the potential
>> >> fear and feeling of loss he might've been feeling when
>> >> it happened.  But I
>> >> think, maybe if he were almost in a near deranged state,
>> >> that it might be
>> >> easier to handle.  Just wondering if anyone has knowledge
>> >> of this.
>> >>
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>> >
>> >
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