Something happened on the way home from work today that would snap anyone out of his or her respective funk. While running an errand on the way back to my fortress of solitude I was hypnotized by this:

my mission begins here.

This is certainly an odd thing; the Toys R Us had me in its grasp. I don’t know about the rest of you, but not since Toys R Us had their 'Geoffrey the Giraffe Dollars' program had I set foot in this child version of heaven. For those of you that don’t know the Giraffe dollars programs was, it was a short-lived program where bringing in any old video game and donating to the store would result in $10 in giraffe dollars(only good at Toys R Us) I think the idea was they wanted to get into selling used games to compete with places like Funcoland. Problem was Funcoland sold copies of Super Mario Brothers (with Duck Hunt of course) for 1.00 (and since the NES was basically dead they had TONS). The fatal flaw in Toys R Us’ plan was they had set no limits and no guidelines. With no limit on how many games you could donate, and no guidelines on the game itself, someone could turn a $10 investment at Funcoland into $100 in giraffe dollars. Needless to say a few of us bought up every shitty NES game in the metropolitan area and had enough giraffe dollars to buy all sorts of Genesis games and any other items our heart desired (I think I even got my N64 with left over giraffe dollars).

I'm so sorry Geoffrey.

Having always felt a little bad after the giraffe dollars program, I vowed to punish myself by never having contact with the whore I had so brutally raped ever again...Well that all changed today. My mission was clear and I had accepted it with the gusto of a Navy Seal going into enemy territory. There would be no turning back. My mission: To find an awesome toy.

Now I don’t know how many of you have been in a toy store recently, but as an adult I found the sheer size of the store quite impressive. The aisles towered over me and I couldn’t help but think of some long lost tomb with huge pillars and statues... only these aisles were better because they were covered in toys instead of crumbling stone.

fear the game aisle.

I roamed around from aisle to aisle and thought to myself that I probably looked like a freak roaming around with a digital camera in a toys r us. One teenage punk was giving me dirty looks and some teenage girl very nervously approached me and asked if she could help me... The dialogue went something like this:

Cutie teen: Can I help you sir?

Me (without missing a beat):I want the AWESOME toy aisle (while

pumping my fist into the air)!

Cutie teen: Well, are you looking for a toy for a boy or a girl?

Me: Awesome knows no gender.

Cutie teen: Well we have this; it could probably be for a boy or a girl

(shows me some lame nerf thing).

Me: This does not meet my awesome requirement. Be gone! While

you've been of little help; your wish to help me achieve my mission will not be forgotten.

Teen unimpressed with my antics (cute girl wouldnt let me take her picture).

At this point, after convincing the manager that I really was going to buy something, and that I really was just doing all this as a joke, I continued to roam around.

One thing I learned... Toys today are much, much, much cooler than the toys I remember. I couldn’t believe all the stuff that *I* wanted to play with... After roaming awhile I had a revelation. See, when I was little, I always wanted to play with one of those 'make some tasty food/candy/drink' toys. Problem was, guys just really weren’t allowed (without fear of getting their ass kicked). Just imagine the first grade show-and-tell where I brought in brownies made in my easy bake oven to share... Not a pretty picture my friends... not pretty at all.

This could have been me. Just look how happy she is.

I've traveled, I've had ups, I've had downs, I've loved, I've lost, I've even conquered the world of grown-up-cooking, I've even fought the law (and the law won).However, I had not conquered this:

The Hostess bake set is so awesome.

My mission was complete, 'this toy is not only awesome, but it will hone my skills as a master Hostess chef’ I yelled. After again being asked to quiet down by the manager who had been following me around for the last 45 minutes, I plopped down my $14.99. The girl at the counter approved of my purchase adding that ‘little kids love this thing’. I left feeling satisfied and proud that I'd purchased what was sure to be an excellent product. Not only had it been highly recommended by the pimply teen, but I knew this would be an adventure to remember.

Stay tuned boys and girls… Trials and Tribulations of the Hostess Bake Set continued in part 2!