Fellow members of the Association of Disgruntled Responsible Role-Players, here is a little something I typed up after the last game session. This is your concise, informative guide to all the currently-known species of Twink and Sub-Twink. I apologize for the atrocious latin names, but who ever let facts stand in the way of a good joke? At least I can spell the names of historical figures properly.

1. The Describer Goon (Homo Descripticus Adnausea)
   Describer Goons are completely unable to act anything out, and thus think it's a great idea to describe everything to you in as excruciating a manner as possible, e.g. "The first things you notice about my character is that he has a British accent, his hands shake, and he walks with a limp," while the player simultaneously stands against the wall doing nothing.
2. The Avenging Wallflower (Homo Timidus Oppugnat)
   Avenging Wallflowers do absolutely nothing until a good player makes a bold and decisive move, at which point they step in, for no readily apparent reason, wielding vast and ridiculous powers. After killing half the players in the game and terminating the plot with extreme prejudice, they then retreat back to the corner to await their next eruption.
3. The Cross-Breeder (Homo Ignoramus Intransit)
   Cross-Breeders go through every WoD sourcebook available to come up with character who must simultaneously be:
   
   1. As lame-ass as possible
   2. As ridiculously powerful as possible
   A genuine example from my old Masquerade game: A White Howler werewolf (!) embraced by the Assamite Clan(!) who had Mummy allies (!) ruled a True Brujah U.S. Marshals team (!) led a pack of Black Spiral Dancers (!) and was close friends with 'Number Two' in Malfeas. (!!!!!!!)
4. Captain LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME! (Homo Sapiens Inferior)
   In essence, World of Darkness superheroes. Suck that Paradox Margarita you monkey-fuck bastard! Have a Marauder-Burger! Eat it! Yeah. Need I say any more?
5. The Clever People (Homo Socialitus Inepticus)
   These are players who think that being witty is the same as being crass, obnoxious, and in-your-face. Not only that, they delight in tormenting others who are nowhere near their mental ballpark, because their mental ballpark is a horseshoe pitch. "Hey, fuck you, you snotty primogen, nyahhh, nyahhhh." Imagine if you would a rowboat full of elderly cripples attacking the fully-crewed battleship HMS Royal Oak and you begin to get the idea of the mismatch that pissed me off last game. Why do they bother?
6. The Insightful People (Homo Sapiens Whybotherus)
   These are the players who must sneak up and whisper things in your ear in a tone of voice that suggests the information is a boon from God himself sent on winged messengers from on-high to bless us all. What is the information? "Beware of vampires-they like the dark!" or "Beware the werewolves-they are rumored to be powerful fighters!"
7. The Feeb (Homo Spineless Wonderus)
   These are the players who, for whatever reason, simply cannot act forcefully, carry themselves dramatically, or do anything impressively in any way, shape or form. They continually get out-role-played by the first deaf-mute parapalegic lobotomized chipmunk who happens along. No matter how much power they are given, they continually get pounded into the ground AND they just don't get the hint! Ever seen a Feeb Prince? Eek.
8. Johnny Boom-Boom (Homo Semisapiens Explodicus)
   "Maybe it's a really cool idea to carry around a tactical nuclear warhead hard-wired directly into my brain. Yes!I am such a genius! Hey...hey, guys...why are you carrying clubs... guys?"
9. The Costumers From Hell (Homo Garmentus Defilicus)
   These are the people who take things like drapes and table-cloths and cut them up into bizarre psuedo-Gothic/Victorian/Rennaisance clothing that looks generic and ill-fitted as all hell. These are also the people who think 'makeup' involves repeatedly dipping their faces into white latex paint until they look like hideous bulbous monstrosities, and then painting black triangles around their eyes or something. Eeeeeeeeeek.
10. The Storyteller Plants (Homo Roleplayerus Inepticus)
    These are easy to spot, for three different reasons:
    1. A complete inability to role-play
    2. More power than a pantheon of ancient gods
    3. No relevance to any plot whatsoever
    Hmmmm... just why is the 4th Generation Malkavian Justicar visiting the city with his Ghoul/Mage/Get of Fenris kinfolk bodyguard? Why are they sitting in the lobby drinking pop for half the evening? Who cares about their existence anyway?

*SIGH* Well, that's part one of my bitter diatribe against the institution of modern Twinkitude. Tune in next week for part two, in which I'll describe the nine disciplines of TWINKOSITY, their amazing game-ruining powers.