More Feetlebaum than you needed/wanted to know

[Hugh Schulze]

And for those inquiring minds who really want to know...

Feetlebaum/A Mudder's Day Sport Spectacular (S. Jones/D. Weaver
[With the soothing sounds of "The William Tell Overture"]

Anncr:  From Louisville, Kentucky -- in living color -- it's the Sports
Special of the week.

Weaver:  Good afternoon, all you fans of the Sport of Kings.
We're here in Louisville for the running of the famous Ken-tucky Derby.
Here in the Bluegrass State, it's a beautiful day for a race.
[SFX: Thunder]
Roundtable is a favorite today.  Hillsdale, even money.
Turang (sp?), 3 to 1.  Poison Ivy has been scratched.
And at 20 to 1, Feetlebaum

Now the horses are approaching the starting gate.
They're in the starting gate....
The bell rings at the barrier.
And there they go!

And Round Table taking the lead.
Hangover second on the rail.
Turang third by a length.
Hillsdale fourth.
And Fee-tle-baum.

Around the first turn, Roundtable holds his lead.
Hangover is second by a head.
Turang and Hillsdale are running close.
Perry Como looks like a sleeper....
And Fee-tle-baum.

Going into the back stretch, it's a close race
With Jayne Mansfield way out in front.
Little Genella (sp?) second.
College girl and college boy are neck-and-neck.
Long underwear has fallen down behind.
And Fee-tle-baum.

At the half, the pace is fast and furious.
Hillsdale. Turang.  Handkerchief is third by a nose.
Lily Saint-Cere (??) is showing plenty.
Raspberry is in a jam.
Toupee is going on ahead.
And in last place by 40 lengths....
I believe it is... Yes, it is...
Feetlebaum.

Around the turn, heading for home,
Wisdom Tooth is pulling out.
Vic Tanny is muscling in.
Gurgle in the stretch.  [Seal bark]
And Mother-in-Law is moving in again.
    (No, no!  Not that!)

NOW, they're coming down to the wire.
AND it's a close race.
AND it's Number One.
AND what a race this is.
AND Number Four AND oh-ee-leven, the three-way winner.
Have a hunch, bet a bunch.
Don't be cheap, sleep in the street.
AND they're closing in.
AND I've never seen such a race!
AND it's Car Number Twelve.
Car Number Nine.
         Ooo-- Wrong race!

And I'm telling you, the crowd is going mad.
They're coming down here.
AND it's a great fight.
And they're slugging.  They're punching.
And they're fighting each other.
AND he's got him by the nose.
He's got him by the throat.
AND there's blood all over the ring.
There's blood all over the place.
I don't know whose blood it is --
    uhduhduhduhduh, It's mine!

And there' goes the winner!!!
Fee-tle-baum.