what is wrong with you

[Jules Siegel]

Since someone else had the nerve to put some of my private e-mail online, I
thought I would retaliate unfairly be showing you all something that I
received this morning. Also, I herewith warn everyone on pynchon-l that
anything irritating you say to me privately may be published to the list or
in People Magazine. Sorry that Michael Nicholson has to be the first victim,
since he wasn't warned, but I'm sure he will be *proud* to see his words
published here.

What is the first rule of Netiquette? Can anyone recall it? "Don't e-mail or
save anything you wouldn't want to see on the Evening News"?

At 01:14 AM 05/3/97 -0500, Michael Nicholson <shushine at io.com> wrote:
>jules,
>
>i have read your aticle in playboy.  it is actually touching, especially
>the end.  i believe you are quite possibly a very intelligent man.

Glad to hear this. I have an IQ of about 200. The last time I was tested I
annswered all the questions correctly, so they couldn't score it, as the
result was unanticipated.

>  i
>think you may excel at expository writing, yet lack any true creative
>gift. this is fine. this is o.k.

This is quite an insult too offer a stranger, don't you think?

>even if pynchon did steal your girl,

He didn't steal her. She dropped him. We lived together for several years
afterward.

>no need to carry a grudge;  she would have eventually left anyway.  if
>not him then someone else.  she was clearly looking for an out (no
>offense).

No disagreement. Happened exactly the way you say. No grudge, either. He
holds grudges, not me. He can call me up anytime he wishes and say hi and
chat about old times. Could have done that when I wrote him and asked him if
it was ok to publish the Playboy memoir, too. Would have cancelled the piece
on the spot at his request. Guess he likes seeing his name and little sexual
triumphs in print. Note that he uses his real name on his credit card and
driver's license. Hard to stay truly anonymous when you do that, not to
speak of having a credit card in the first place. "Ooohhhh! Are you *the*
Thomas Pynchon?" No, I'm Jules Siegel running an elaborate hoax.

>hell, you seem to be doing just fine without her (although i
>am not quite sure why you feel driven to request books, especially when
>your online resume implies that you are financially capable of obtaining
>them on your own).  

It's a public relations document. I am a press agent and graphic designer,
not a writer, although I do write a lot. Big PR is done by major agencies in
New York, not formerly almost famous writers with weird ideas living in
Cancun. None of it pays very well here. Kind of like Gauguin trying to sell
paintings in Tahiti before the tourists showed up. The kind of tourists we
get here prefer beads and baskets and post cards and such. Intelligent
English-language books are very expensive and scarce here and I can't afford
the cost of ordering them from Amazon. No credit card. A $20 book can can
cost me $100 by the time it gets here becuase of all the charges and the
unfavorable exchange rate. Buy Lineland or see Pynchon-L Archive, October,
1996, for full embarrassing details.

>so now you have this new book out which lifts from the pynchon mailing
>list, and everybody is up in arms.  i'm not sure i understand what the
>ruckus is all about.  you could have been more polite, sure, but you did
>nothing illegal. yet can you honestly tell me that you can read the back
>cover without even the slightest tinge of nausea?  i mean christ,
>doesn't it read like some tawdry nickel-and-dime radio drama??  frankly,
>if i were you i'd be embarassed....but then i'm confident that you had
>nothing to do with it.  i'm sure you were more worried with content than
>with packaging.

Wrong. I had 100% creative control. The book is mine in every aspect --
text, typography, design, some illustrations, cover and back cover, which is
a joke that I wrote to satirize the whole thing and produce reactions such
as yours.

Sean...? Are you there? You say it.

>which brings us to the point....
>
>why aren't you creating innovative fiction?  why aren't you writing
>essays or breaking earth shattering news from around the globe?? 

I am, but I've been living in remote locations in Mexico for the past 15
years doing it, not licking around the New York media toilet getting
published and being famous. The last earth-shattering news I broke --
revealing the Reagan administration's covert actions to destabilize the
legal government of Mexico in 1982 -- got me very effectively blacklisted.
That's eased up now that Clinton's been in power but it is not easy to begin
all over again.

>why
>the fuck are you dragging to the surface an obscure footnote from
>another man's past,  a subject you'd covered adequately twenty years
>ago??  i fear it is because you have nothing else to say.  which is
>fine.... many people have less to say in not as many years. 

You'll have to read Lineland to understand. Then maybe you can have the good
grace to send me an apology. It's not about Pynchon; it's about coming out
of the jungle and out onto the Internet. Pynchon-l is just the place I
happened to land. Interesting place too. Best literary conversations and
funniest flame wars on the Internet. Addicting, actually, if you're starved
for that sort of stuff. And I am, believe me. Yes, I realize Cancun is not
the jungle. It's worse. K-Mart surrounded by endless thorn forest on one
side, the Caribbean on the other. Powerful hook, the Caribbean, when you can
also have hot showers, a laser printer and an Internet connection.

>so what is wrong with you.  why do you act like a total jack-ass?  the
>juvenile put-downs, the pseudo-literate responses....  your behaivior
>has made me reconsider the one piece of yours i had read.  and while i
>am still moved by it, it is tainted.  like pychon cranking out GR2, or
>steinbeck writing a grisham.  you were never that great, don't
>misunderstand me.  but you had a niche, which is a lot more than most.

I needed that. Thanks for the advice. I *like* acting like a total jackass.
I'm the literary version of Jim Carrey. Where's my $20 million check? Guess
I have to be stupider or something. I'll try.

>i'm tempted to resort to father-speak: "i'm so diappointed, etc." 
>instead, i'll simply tell the truth: i wish you'd just go away.  I find
>you annoying, and more than a little disturbing.

Same to you, doo-doo brain.

WOW! A HELICOPTER just hovered in front of my office window and took
PICTURES! Absolute truth. It's beginning! Fame! People Magazine! The
Enquirer! Oprah Winfrey with me and Chrissie and Robert and Anita and Tom
and Melanie and Faera and Eli and Jesse and Jackson all weeping and hugging!

I better go home and shave and shower. Hope it wasn't just for some real
estate deal.

--
Professional English-Language Editorial Services
Jules Siegel http://www.caribe.net.mx/siegel/jsiegel.htm
>From US: http://www.yucatanweb.com/siegel/jsiegel.htm
Apdo 1764 Cancun Q. Roo 77501 Tel 011-52-98 87-49-18 Fax 87-49-13