totally off topic, but good for a couple of laughs

[Vaska]

Just got this from a friend.  

Vaska

>        See what  misplaced modifiers can do!

> Allegedly *real* excerpts from hospital records:

###########

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and
he was feeling better.

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over
a year.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day
it had completely disappeared.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then,
when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to
be depressed.

Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank
to dispose of him.

Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert
but forgetful.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant
with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of
breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while
having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her
original complaints.