Millison, We Knew You Too Well

[Jane Grant]

Otto Preminger in

Millison, We Knew You Too Well

with
Harvey Fierstein as ck one
and
David Foster Wallace as Thomas Pynchon

featuring
Jane Grant as Heather Graham

Written and Directed by F. Yu

In this clever re-make of James Toback's 1997 blockbuster Two Girls and a Guy by Ang Lee disciple F. Yu, Otto Preminger stars as Doug Millison, a dyspeptic former Nazi with a penchant for lighting his farts on fire and microwaving cats. Jane Grant, last seen as a Rylan spy in The Last Starfighter (1984), plays Heather Graham, a sexually frustrated sociopath with enlarged photographs of her pudenda decorating the walls of her dingy East Village digs. Graham falls in love with Millison after she sees him having his flaccid buttocks vacuumed with a Dirt Devil at The Vault. They begin a torrid, 9 1/2 Weeks-style relationship featuring many bizarre sexual acts, most notably Graham licking Velveeta from Millison's natal cleft and Millison rubbing Graham's strangely splayed feet with a unusually blue Stilton. All is well until it is revealed that Millison has been maintaining a similarly supercharged relationship with Madame ck one, a transitioning transsexual brilliantly portrayed by Harvey Fierstein in his first film since his much lauded portrayal of the talking asshole in Todd Solandz's re-make of John Waters' Pink Flamingos. To protest Millison's infidelity, ck one stops taking his/her hormone supplements and as the film builds to its rousing, violent, though ultimately pointless, climax, he/she becomes a weird She Man who terrorizes New York City with his/her giant lithping phallus. In an intermittently funny montage lifted from The Naked Gun movies, old ladies are beaten over the head with the phallus, the phallus sings for money in Washington Square Park and, in the movie's most outrageous sequence, the phallus orders a Domino's pizza. The deus ex machina in Millison, We Knew You Too Well is the writer Thomas Pynchon, portrayed by tennis-star David Foster Wallace, who looks much like a younger (and sexier!) Val Kilmer. Pynchon is F. Yu's most fabulous creation and his appearance as The She Man's savior (he collaborates with ck one's lithping phallus on his latest and greatest novel, The Cumming of Lot 69) is extremely moving (bowel moving, unfortunately). Graham and Millison live happily ever after and, in the film's ironic conclusion, Millison's natal cleft gives birth to a cheese-encrusted two-headed child which they name Adolph and Eva. The End.

Working a double sucks Romeo's swinging dick, but this war going on and the horror movie lists are making things a bit more tolerable tonight. They're wild! Dave listed some really obscure shit. Nice to see some Mario Bava in the mix, sweetie. Ain't Barbara Steele the best? See her in Seven Deaths in a Cat's Eye if you haven't already, Dave. I found it at All Star Video in Burlington. The pan and scan will drive you futzing nutz, though. 
  Romeo wherefore art though Romeo's list was weird and I loved it! Your Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things mention inspired my She Man gloss in the Millison movie capsule. It's Bob Clark's first film, but he denies it. He'd rather be remembered for A Christmas Story and Porkys, I guess. I saw Gates of Hell in a drive-in under the title City of the Living Dead when it came out. It was awesome then and it's awesome now. Quentin Tarentino says it's one of his faves. Mine, too. The scene where that guy hammers at the coffin with a pick-axe is just too intense! I wet my cotton panties. Fulci freaks will know this, but the guy sitting next to the girl puking her guts up in the car is Michele Soavi, director of the fantabulous Dellamorte, Dellamore (Cemetery Man) starring Madonna's gay friend Rupert Everett.
  One thing about those lists, though, is that people listed really fucked-up crazy shit like The Stuff, but forgot all about the really good shit like Dawn of the Dead, Phantasm, Halloween, and The Blind Dead movies! Whathefuck, no Argento? Why The Gates of Hell and not Seven Doorways to Death (aka, The Beyond) or House by the Cemetery (I'm surprised you maniacs didn't mention Aenigma for crissakes--hey, and what about Maniac and Last House on the Left and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Il Ultimo Squalo...   

It wouldn't really be appropriate to sign off tonight without intoning that time honored death-chant

FULCI LIVES!

Jane (wanting to go back to her pudenda-covered apartment over The Copy Stop...sob...I'm crying again, shit)           
--

On Wed, 16 Dec 1998 16:46:45   keith woodward wrote:
>A-and Hayley Mills as McMullen and Woodward?
>
>At 02:30 PM 12/16/98 -0800, you wrote:
>>Pynchon-L, We Hardly Knew Ye
>>starring Jane Fonda as "Jane Grant"
>>and Courtney Love as "the Other Jane Grant"
>>and Pee Wee Herman as "yet Another Jane Grant"
>>
>>
>>D O U G  M I L L I S O N  [http://www.online-journalist.com]
>>"He became a victim of his inexhaustible verbal facility, which allowed him
>>to be both brilliantly superficial and ingeniously wrong."
>>--John Weightman re Jean-Paul Sartre's later writings
>>
>>
>keith w
>
>


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