Fwd: THE STIFF OF LIFE

[Doug Millison]

I think some of you might like this. Bellingham is a San 
Francisco-based writer.

>
>Date: Tue, 18 Jul 2000 15:04:53 -0700
>From: Bruce Bellingham <bellsf at sirius.com>
>Subject: THE STIFF OF LIFE
>
>	Still trying to play catch-up, I can only tell you that I've spent
>a good deal of the summer in sequestration -- specifically, in a bunker at
>an undisclosed site in the Midwest. There, in a clandestine meeting, I
>remained in a bunker with Thomas Pynchon, J.D. Salinger and Salman Rushdie
>-- the most reticent writers in the world.
>	I was sworn to secrecy so I may not reveal the precise location.
>(It's irrelevent: when I wasn't blindfolded, I was just plain blind.)
>	Ironically it's Rushdie, with an Iranian price on his head, who
>appears more often in public. Salman might have a big "fatwa" sitting on
>him, but when the "Today" show calls, well, the threat of assassination
>doesn't seem all that important.
>	Rushdie's a cool guy. We had a great time drinking Broken Bow beer
>and making up jokes about Cat Stevens.
>	You might wonder how this all came about. I can only reveal this:
>After we held sceance in a failed effort to reach Ambrose Bierce and Elvis,
>the usually-taciturn Pynchon mumbled, "We're a gathering of writers who
>either must be invisible or should be invisible. We'll try to get a hold of
>another vanished soul tomorrow night." It was very hot. He fanned himself
>with the Oija board.
>	One day, in late May -- I think -- the cabin fever became too much
>for me. I wandered silently from the subterranean shelter to peruse the
>Plain. Out of curiosity, I climbed into what looked like an underground
>parking garage. Perhaps I could hot-wire a John Deere tractor and get the
>hell out of there.
>	The structure turned out to be something called a silo -- where
>they store corn, grits and groats -- that sort of thing. You don't see too
>many of them in San Francisco.
>	Suddenly a violent electrical storm, so common in that neck of
>woods during summer, swept down from the horizon -- with torrential rain
>and a sky filled with lightning, striking the ground everywhere.
>	I never knew much about grain elevator explosions so I had no idea
>what happened. With the initial blast, I recall sailing through the ozone
>like a rocket -- jettisoned halfway to Omaha.
>	(At first, I thought the terrorists from Tehran finally got to
>Rushdie. Or maybe Cat Stevens got hold of a howitzer after finding out we
>were using his CD's for frisbees.)
>	Like a comet, I was airborne, leaving a contrail of burning bulghur.
>	I woke up just over a week later. The doctors removed the ingrained
>grain from my pores with sandpaper. My skin was on fire.
>	During that time, I had a recurring dream that still distresses
>me: I had been reincarnated as a zweiback.
>	I was returned to San Francisco in a bakery truck. I quickly turned
>on the computer and engaged the e-mail. There were, truthfully, 14,145
>messages.
>  	The system, of course, was paralyzed.
>	Like dropping cargo from a sinking dirigible, I had the technical
>geniuses at FirstWorld.com dump 13,000 messages. Sorry.
>	But it's good to be back by the Bay, in the city of high rents and
>inflated expectations. Mostly, I didn't realize how much I'd miss the
>electronic constituency -- my e-mail pen pals.
>	Like Gene Lees, who responded to yesterday's piece about "Titanic
>-- the Musical." Gene is a famous lyricist who's worked with Antonio Carlos
>Jobim and Bill Evans. His songs have been recorded by Sinatra, Peggy Lee,
>Tony Bennett, Ella and k.d.lang.
>	His 12th book about the big band era, "Arranging the Score"
>(Continuum International Publishing Group), was released in April. Go get
>it.
>	He's also a very funny man:
>
>			-----------
>"Bruce,
>
>Artie Shaw once said to me, "You cannot bury shit deep enough that the
>American public won't smell it out and buy it."
>
>I said, "Why do you limit that to the Americans? Have you ever seen Italian
>television? Or French musical movies from the 1940s?"
>
>And then there was the Scandinavian television network (I can't remember
>which one) that had on one of its shows an enema contest...."
>
>Gene
>		-------------------------------
>
>	If Regis Philbin ever finds out about that Scandinavian show, he'll
>want to host it. If you don't tell him, I won't.
>	Is that your final answer?
>	My friend, Michele Caprario, was in Southern California on business
>over the weekend. She works at Books Inc., which is opening an office in
>Anaheim. Michele, fiercely independent, also works with Books by the Bay, a
>group of  independent book advocates. One of her obligations was to escort
>50's singing star Eddie Fisher about, as he promoted his second
>autobiography, "Been There, Done That." I have no idea what he's been doing
>lately but if you haven't done anything in years, you might find the time
>to write your memoirs describing the experience.
>	Tom Constanten, formerly with the Grateful Dead, told me about the
>Las Vegas musicians who recall Eddie from his singing days and his uncanny
>inability to count.
>	They'd wear T-shirts carrying the message: "Eddie Fisher Still Owes
>Me Seven Beats."
>	Now, some good news on the music front. Rhino Records has just
>released a three-box collection of the songs of Tom Lehrer, performed by
>the old boy himself.
>	Yes, we may revisit such classic tunes, such as, "Vatican Rag," "So
>Long, Mom, I'm Off to Drop the Bomb" and the immortal "Poisoning Pigeons in
>the Park."
>	Lehrer is now 72 and teaches math at the University of California
>at Santa Cruz.
>	How has satire changed since the 1960s?
>	"Political satire is obsolete," says the great satirist.
>	In the liner notes, he writes, "When I was in college, there were
>certain words you couldn't say in front of a girl. Now you can say them but
>you can't say 'girl.'"
>
>
>
>	By the Bay, Bellingham, San Francisco, July 18, 2000
>
>
>
>Bruce Bellingham
>2010 Chestnut Street #206
>San Francisco 94123
>phone: (415) 921-8148
>e-mail: bellsf at sirius.com
>
>
>
>
>	######################

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