long live the queen

[Jedrzej Polak]

> NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
>
> To the citizens of the United States of America,
>
>
>
> In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby
> give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
>
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over
all states,
> commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime
> minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP  for the 97.85% of you who have until
now been unaware that
> there is a  world outside your borders)
> will appoint a minister for America without  the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate
> will be disbanded.
>
> A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.
>
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with
> immediate effect:
>
> 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
> Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how wrongly
> you have been pronouncing it. Generally,  you  should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels.
> Look up  "vocabulary". Using  the same twenty seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as
> "like"  and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication.  Look up
> "interspersed".
>
> 2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
behalf.
>
> 3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.
>
> 4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good
guys.
>
>
> 5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but
only after fully
> carrying out task 1. We would  not want you to get confused and give up half
way through.
>
>
> 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to
> as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware
that there is a
> world outside your  borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You  will
> no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper  football.
>
> Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough
> will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
"football", but  does not involve
> stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body  armour
like nancies). We are
> hoping to get together at least a US rugby  sevens side by 2005.
>
> 7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they
give you any
> maird. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your
borders should
> count yourselves lucky. The  Russians have never been the bad guys. "Maird" is
French for you
> know what.
>
>
>
> 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national
holiday, but only in
> England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
>
>
>
>  9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your  own
good. When we
> show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
>
> 10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
>
> Thank you for your cooperation. HRH QE2