More fun with POMO

[Terrance]

http://www.nytimes.com/2000/10/21/arts/21MOD.html




HOW TO SPEAK AND WRITE POSTMODERN
            

                              THE RULES

 1.  First, you need to remember that plainly expressed
language
 is out of the question.  It is too realist, modernist and
obvious.

 Postmodern language requires that one uses play, parody and
 indeterminacy as critical techniques to point this out.
Often this is quite
 a difficult requirement, so obscurity is a
well-acknowledged substitute.

 For example, let's imagine you want to say something like,
"We should
 listen to the views of people outside of Western society in
order to learn
 about the cultural biases that affect us". This is honest
but dull. Take
 the word "views."  Postmodernspeak would change that to
"voices," or >
 better, "vocalities." or even better, "multivocalities." 
Add an adjective
 like "intertextual," and you're covered. "People outside"
is also too
 plain.  How about "postcolonial others"?

 To speak postmodern properly one must master a bevy of
biases besides the
 familiar racism, sexism, ageism, etc.  For example,
phallogocentricism
 (male-centredness combined with rationalistic forms of
binary logic).
 Finally "affect us" sounds like plaid pajamas.  Use more
obscure verbs
 and phrases, like "mediate our identities."

 So, the final statement should say, "We should listen to
the intertextual
 multivocalities of postcolonial others outside of Western
culture in order
 to learn about the phallogocentric biases that mediate our
identities."
 Now you're talking postmodern!

 2.  Sometimes you might be in a hurry and won't have the
time to muster
 even the minimum number of postmodern synonyms and
neologisms needed to
 avoid public disgrace.  Remember, saying the wrong thing is
acceptable if
 you say it the right way.

 This brings me to a second important strategy in speaking
postmodern --
 which is to use as many suffixes, prefixes, hyphens,
slashes, underlinings
 and anything else your computer (an absolute must to write
postmodern) can
 dish out.

 You can make a quick reference chart to avoid time delays. 
Make three
 columns.  In column A put your prefixes: post-, hyper-,
pre-, de-, dis-,
 re-, ex-, and counter-.  In column B go your suffixes and
related endings:
 -ism, -itis, -iality, -ation, -itivity, and -tricity.  In
column C add a
 series of well-respected names that make for impressive
adjectives or
 schools of thought, for example, Barthes (Barthesian),
Foucault
 (Foucauldian, Foucauldianism), Derrida (Derridean,
Derrideanism).

 Now for the test. You want to say or write something like,
"Contemporary
 buildings are alienating."  This is a good thought, but, of
course, a
 non-starter.  You wouldn't even get offered a second round
of crackers and
 cheese at a conference reception with such a line. In fact,
after saying
 this, you might get asked to stay and clean up the crackers
and cheese
 after the reception.

                      Go to your three columns.

First, the prefix. Pre- is useful, as is post-, or several
prefixes at
once is terrific. Rather than "contemporary buildings," be
creative. "The
Pre/post/spacialities of counter-architectural
hyper-contemporaneity" is
promising.  You would have to drop the weak and dated term
"alienating"
with some well suffixed words from column B. How about
"antisociality", or
be more postmodern and introduce ambiguity with the linked
phrase,
"antisociality/seductivity."

 Now, go to column C and grab a few names whose work
everyone will agree is
 important and hardly anyone has had the time or the
inclination to read.
 Continental European theorists are best, when in doubt.  I
recommend the
 sociologist Jean Baudrillard since he has written a great
deal of
 difficult material about postmodern space.  Don't forget to
make some
 mention of gender.

 Finally, add a few smoothing out words to tie the whole
garbled mess
 together and don't forget to pack in the hyphens, slashes
and parentheses.

 What do you get? "Pre/post/spacialities of
counter-architectural
 hyper-contemporaneity (re)commits us to an ambivalent
recurrentiality of
 antisociality/seductivity, one enunciated ina
de/gendered-Baudrillardian
 discourse of granulated subjectivity." You should be able
to hear a
 postindustrial pin drop on the retrocultural floor.

 3.  At some point someone may actually ask you what you're
talking about.
 This risk faces all those who would speak postmodern and
must be carefully
 avoided.  You must always give the questioner the
impression that they
 have missed the point, and so send another verbose salvo of
 postmodernspeak in their direction as a "simplification" or
 "clarification" of your original statement.

 If that doesn't work, you might be left with the terribly
modernist
 thought of, "I don't know."  Don't worry, just say,

      "The instability of your question leaves me with
several
 contradictorily layered responses whose interconnectivity
cannot express
 the logocentric coherency you seek.  I can only say that
reality is more
 uneven and its (mis)representations more untrustworthy than
we have time
 here to explore."