B-but how'd she get them past all those big teeth?

[FrodeauxB at aol.com]

Subj:    Julia Robertz' Bowel Obstructed by Reusable Kraft Single
Date:   6/10/01 12:46:30 PM Central Daylight Time
From:   fff at futurefeedforward.com (futurefeedforward)
To: frodeauxb at aol.com



November 3, 2045

Julia Robertz' Bowel Obstructed by Reusable Kraft Single

HOLLYWOOD--Anonymous, inside sources at the Los Angeles County Medical Center 
confirmed this morning that celebrity clone Julia Robertz has been admitted 
and is receiving treatment for a "severe, septic bowel obstruction due to 
excess and/or abusive ingestion of reusable food products."  Spokespeople for 
Ms. Robertz' studio, Buena Vista Pictures, have reported since Monday that 
Robertz was suffering from dehydration and acute exhaustion after long hours 
on the set of her new film "My Bezt Friend'z Wedding."  "Julia has been 
working very hard for a break like 'Bezt Friend,'" explained her agent, 
Freddie Lore.  "She's been living in the shadow of her dam, and this was 
going to be her chance to show the public what she can do on her own.  She's 
been giving it all she's got and she just overdid it a bit."

    Robertz, among the first generation of studio-raised stars, overcame a 
troubled childhood and tumultuous adolescence only to be passed over for 
parts in favor of her more experienced and still youthful dam.  "Unlike Clint 
or Meryl Ztreep, Julia still had to compete with her Oscar(TM)-winning 
'parent,'" explained Lore.  "She did everything the studio said.  She worked 
hard for the 'younger, wilder, out-of-control' thing they said would help 
distinguish her from the other Julia.  And it finally was starting to pay 
off.  But now it looks to be picking up a sort of tragic spin."

    According to close friends, "cheesing," or "krafting," was among the 
activities the studio encouraged Robertz to pursue.   The controversial 
practice, popular among actresses and models, restricts practitioners' diets 
to nutrient-rechargable, reusable foods, particularly slices of Kraft 
American Cheese.  "We're noticing an alarming trend with respect to 
'cheesing,'" explains prominent Malibu nutritionist Dr. Kelly Gesamt.  "I've 
seen several patients recently who have eaten only Reusable Singles for weeks 
at a time.  And often, in order to completely satisfy their appetites, they 
are eating them in bulk."

    The Singles, made of an absorbent, nutrient-selective self-assembling 
smart polymer known as "Mylkar," are marketed as a nutritionally complete 
non-caloric "snack supplement."  The Singles come pre-soaked in a bath of key 
nutrients and flavoring agents and the Mylkar, vapor-deposited in a complex 
lattice structure, has the appearance, texture, and bite-chew coefficient of 
traditional cheese food.  "Our Reusable Singles are a great appetite 
satisfier as well as being nutritionally valuable," notes Kraft spokesman 
Henri LeGliche.  "They simulate fully the experience of traditional ingestion 
without the caloric complications and are the perfect complement to a 
healthy, weight-reducing diet."

    Once expelled from the body, the Mylkar lattice quickly reforms the 
original Single, which can then be washed, recharged with nutrients, and 
reused.  "Reusability was an important design goal for us," notes LeGliche.  
"Given the relatively high materials costs involved in the Mylkar 
manufacturing process, we felt that re-usability was important in order to 
keep the Singles at an accessible, mass-market price-point."

    Friends indicate that Robertz engaged in 'deep cheesing,' both for its 
cachet and to compete with Ms. Roberts.  "Julia thought, and I guess the 
studio did too, that she could compete with the other Julia in terms of being 
thinner, having a better body.  I guess she wasn't really thinking about the 
risks."

    Though medical details about her condition remain unavailable, experts 
speculate that Robertz consumed dozens of Singles that then prematurely 
reformed in her digestive tract, causing a life-threatening obstruction.  Dr. 
Gesamt explains:  "It's just like what's happened lately here with the 
plumbing in Malibu.  People here just flush the Singles because they can 
afford to.  At some point enough of them are around that they start to 
reassemble into these mega-Single blockages in the system and you have to 
call out the public works guys to clear out the lines.  The same thing could 
just as easily happen in the human digestive tract when people eat too much 
of this stuff."

    Sources inside L.A. County Medical Center describe Robertz' condition as 
"touch and go."

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