Stargazing Tips

[Dave Monroe]

Well, they ran this in The Onion again, so ...

The night sky holds countless wonders.  Here are some
tips to help you make the most of your next stargazing
experience:

* Be in the know about which stars are hot and which
are not.  Betelguese: hot.  Rigel: not.  Polaris: hot.
 Pleiades: not.

* If the evening you choose to take your kids
stargazing turns out to be overcast, maintain their
interest by announcing that it is an extremely rare
"eclipse of everything."

* Though astronomy is a relatively safe hobby, keep in
mind that stars are very, very hot and will burn for
millions of years if left unattended.

* Remember the ABCs of learning about constellations:
Always Be learning about Constellations.

* When contemplating the ineffable grandeur of the
universe, nothing sets the mood quite like the airy,
transcendent synthesizer sounds of Vangelis.

* Do not gaze directly at white-hot star Kate Hudson. 
Instead, poke a pinhole in a sheet of paper, and look
at Hudson's outline on another sheet of paper.

* Some may scoff at the hobby of astronomy, but
sitting in an empty field in the middle of winter is a
great way to see tiny little dots.

* Name your baby after a constellation. No one has
ever thought of that before.

* Locate the Virgo cluster. Is it still there? Good...
you're like the cop of the universe!

* Remember: Galileo was an astronomer, and they threw
his ass in the clink. Exercise caution.

* There's one star that's incredibly easy to find. You
have to wait until the daytime, though.

* When stargazing in South Florida, be sure to steer
clear of territory controlled by Jack Horkheimer.

* Next time you go stargazing, bring a girl along. 
Set up in a field far from the city lights and take
turns looking through the telescope.  Then, when the
right moment comes, kiss her.  Kiss her!  Don't let
the opportunity pass you by--it may never come again! 
Kiss her!  Kiss her!

© Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc.

http://www.theonion.com/onion3706/stargazing_tips.html

Although I can't get this to STAY on that page ...

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