A little comic relief

[pynchonoid]

A little comic relief:
>
>**Actual Analogies and Metaphors Found in High School
Essays**
>
> 1.) Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that
had its two other
sides
> gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
>
> 2.)  His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances
> like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
>
> 3.)  He spoke with wisdom that can only come from
experience, like a guy
who
> went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse
without one of
> those boxes with a pinhole in it.  and now goes
around the country
speaking
> at high schools about the dangers of looking at
solar eclipse without one
> those boxes with a pinhole in it.
>
> 4.)  She grew on him like she was a colony of E.
coli and he was room
> temperature Canadian beef.
>
> 5.)  She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like
that sound a dog makes
> just before it throws up.
>
> 6.)  Her vocabulary was as bad as, like whatever.
>
> 7.)  He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
>
> 8.)  The revelation that his marriage of 30 years
had disintegrated
> because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude
shock, like a surcharge at
a
> formally surcharge-free ATM.
>
> 9.)  The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way a
> bowling ball wouldn't.
>
> 10.)  McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bag
> filled with vegetable soup.
>
> 11.)  From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The
whole scene had an
> eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation
in another city
> and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.
>
> 12.)  Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair
after a sneeze.
>
> 13.)  The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just
like maggots when
> you fry them in hot grease.
>
> 14.)  Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed
lovers raced across
> the grassy field toward each other like two freight
trains, one having
left
> Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other
from Topeka at 4:19 pm
> at a speed of 35 mph.
>
> 15.)  They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood
with picket fences
> that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
>
> 16.)  John and Mary had never met.  They were like
two hummingbirds who
> had also never met.
>
> 17.)   He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant and she was
> the East River.
>
> 18.)  Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind
like a steel trap,
> only one that had been left out so long it had
rusted shut.
>
> 19.)  Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.
>
> 20.)  The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law
Phil.  But unlike Phil,
> this plan just might work.
>
> 21.)  The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind
you get from not
> eating for a while.
>
> 22.)  He was as lame as a duck.  Not the
metaphorical lame duck, either,
> but a real duck that was actually lame - - maybe
from stepping on a land
> mine or something.
>
> 23.)  The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and
extended one slender
> leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
>
> 24.)  It was an American tradition, like fathers
chasing kids around
> with power tools.
>
> 25.)  He was deeply in love.  When she spoke, he
thought he heard bells,
> as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
>
> 26.)  She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
>
> 27.) She walked into my office like a centipede with
98 missing legs.
>
> 28.)  Her voice had that tense, grating quality,
like a generation
> thermal paper fax machine that needed a band
tightened.
>
> 29.)  It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you
accidentally staple it
> to the wall.


=====
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