(14.26) "kissoff story"

[pynchonoid]

STAINS 
Mr. President, we haven't been able to reach Premier
Kissov in the Kremlin. They say they don't know where
he is, and he won't be back for another two hours.

[...] 

DESADESKI  
Govorit DeSadeski. 
(continues in Russian, then...) 
I've done as you asked. Be careful Mr. President. I
think he's drunk. 

MUFFLEY 
Hello? Hello, Dimitri? Listen, I can't hear too well,
do you suppose you
could turn the music down just a little? Oh, that's
much better. Yes. 
Fine, I can hear you now, Dimitri. Clear and plain and
coming through fine.
I'm coming through fine too, eh? Good, then. Well then
as you say we're both
coming through fine. Good. Well it's good that you're
fine and I'm fine. I 
agree with you. It's great to be fine. 
(laughs) 
Now then Dimitri. You know how we've always talked
about the possibility of
something going wrong with the bomb. The bomb,
Dimitri. The hydrogen bomb.
Well now what happened is, one of our base commanders,
he had a sort of, 
well he went a little funny in the head. You know.
Just a little... funny.
And uh, he went and did a silly thing. 
(listens)
Well, I'll tell you what he did, he ordered his
planes... to attack your
country. 
(listens)
Well let me finish, Dimitri. Let me finish, Dimitri. 
(listens)
Well, listen, how do you think I feel about it? Can
you imagine how I feel
about it, Dimitri? Why do you think I'm calling you?
Just to say hello? 
                                             
(listens)
Of course I like to speak to you. Of course I like to
say hello. Not now, but
any time, Dimitri. I'm just calling up to tell you
something terrible has
happened. 
                                             
(listens)
It's a friendly call. Of course it's a friendly call.
Listen, if it wasn't
friendly, ... you probably wouldn't have even got it.
They will not reach
their targets for at least another hour. 
                                             
(listens)
I am... I am positive, Dimitri. Listen, I've been all
over this with your
ambassador. It is not a trick. 
                                             
(listens)
Well I'll tell you. We'd like to give your air staff a
complete run down on
the targets, the flight plans, and the defensive
systems of the planes. 
                                             
(listens)
Yes! I mean, if we're unable to recall the planes,
then I'd say that, uh,
well, we're just going to have to help you destroy
them, Dimitri.
(listens) 
I know they're our boys. 
                                             
(listens)
Alright, well, listen... who should we call?
                                             
(listens)
Who should we call, Dimitri? 
                                             
(listens)
The people...? Sorry, you faded away there. 
                                             
(listens)
The People's Central Air Defense Headquarters. Where
is that, Dimitri? 
                                             
(listens)
In Omsk. Right. Yes. 
                                             
(listens)
Oh, you'll call them first, will you? 
                                             
(listens)
Uh huh. Listen, do you happen to have the phone number
on you, Dimitri? 
                                             
(listens)
What? I see, just ask for Omsk Information. I'm sorry
too, Dimitri. I'm
very sorry. 
                                             
(listens)
Alright! You're sorrier than I am! But I am sorry as
well. I am as sorry as
you are, Dimitri. Don't say that you are more sorry
than I am, because I
am capable of being just as sorry as you are. So we're
both sorry, alright? 
(listens) Alright. Yes he's right here. Yes, he wants
to talk to you. Just a
second. 

                                             
DESADESKI  
(continues in Russian. Gradually becomes alarmed,
then...) 
Das voydaniya... 
(rests phone on the table before him) 

MUFFLEY 
What... what is it, what? 

                                             
DESADESKI  
The fools... the mad fools. 

MUFFLEY 
What's happened? 

                                             
DESADESKI  
The doomsday machine. 

MUFFLEY 
The doomsday machine? What is that? 

                                             
DESADESKI  
A device which will destroy all human and animal life
on earth. 

MUFFLEY 
All human and animal life?  


DR. STRANGELOVE
OR:
HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BOMB 
(The Continuity Script)
<http://www.screenplays-online.de/showscript.php3?id=21>


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