Iraq War II

[S.R. Prozak]

http://www.theonion.com/onion3910/gulf_war_2.html

WASHINGTON, DC—At a Pentagon press conference Monday, Defense Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld touted the military's upcoming Gulf War II: The Vengeance
as "even better than the original."

Above: Donald Rumsfeld debriefs reporters on the upcoming Gulf War sequel,
scheduled to hit Iraq March 22.

"If you thought the first one was good, just wait until you see the
sequel," Rumsfeld said of Gulf War II, scheduled to hit Iraqi theaters of
operation March 22. "In the original, as you no doubt know, we defeat
Saddam
Hussein, only to let him slip away at the very end. This time, we're going
back in to take out the trash."

Rumsfeld said the soon-to-be-unleashed war will feature special effects
beyond anything seen in the original.

"Gulf War I was done 11 years ago, and war-making technology has advanced
tremendously since then," Rumsfeld said. "From the guns to the planes to
the
missile-guidance systems, what you'll see in this one puts the original
Gulf
War to shame."

"The budget for Gulf War II: The Vengeance is somewhere in the
neighborhood
of $85 billion," Rumsfeld continued. "And every penny of it is up there on
your screen."

Waged in 1991 at a cost of $61 billion, the first Gulf War was a major
hit,
making household names out of stars Colin Powell, Norman Schwarzkopf, and
Wolf
Blitzer. Asked who would star in the sequel, General Richard Myers,
chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, was coy.

"I don't want to give away too much, but let's just say you're likely to
see a few familiar faces pop up," Myers said. "I will say that the son of
one
of the key characters in the first one, back then just a boy, is now all
grown
up and ready to take his rightful place at the head of the alliance."

Myers did confirm that the plot revolves around the Rebel forces' efforts
to capture arch-nemesis Hussein, whom they believe is building a weapon of
mass destruction somewhere deep within the mysterious and forbidding
No-Fly
Zone.

Above: A publicity still from Gulf War II.

"Obviously, Saddam will be back," Myers said. "He's the perfect villain:
ruthless, efficient, and sinister. It would be an affront to all the fans
not
to include him. Beyond that, what's going to happen is anybody's guess.
One
thing, though, is guaranteed: We're going to have more action, more
danger,
and definitely more kill power than the first time around."

"We've already started preliminary shooting," Myers said, "and so far,
what
we've got is unbelievable."

In addition to a major PR push, Gulf War II will be accompanied by a major
merchandising campaign. Pentagon has secured the commitment of Topps for a
series of cards supporting the effort. It has also brokered a first-look
deal
with CNN, guaranteeing the network full access to the front lines, as well
as
first crack at interviewing the men and women behind the scenes. The
Pentagon
has also signed Dan Rather to a two-cry deal.

In the 11 years since the original Gulf War, few conflicts have come close
to matching the level of support and press attention generated by that
operation.

"We were disappointed by our numbers in Bosnia," Rumsfeld said. "That
particular conflict played primarily to an art-house crowd. Your
mainstream
audiences didn't connect with the complexities of the centuries-old ethnic
clash you had going there. But this time, we feel we've got something very
accessible that will play in Peoria. I mean, how can you go wrong with
an 'Axis of Evil'?"

Though Gulf War II does not open fire for another two weeks, it has
screened for select audiences in Los Angeles. Ain't It Cool News, the
popular
website run by Harry Knowles, recently leaked an advance review of the
conflict.

"The battle sequences are even better than Black Hawk Down," Knowles
wrote. "And Afghan leader Hamid Karzai, while only given a little action,
exudes a Tarantino cool."

Pentagon officials, meanwhile, are already thinking about a third
installment.

"There's no reason this Iraq thing can't be a franchise for us like those
wars with Germany or the Communists used to be," Rumsfeld said. "The
public
loves it, the soldiers love it, the media love it. And even if the U.S.
wins
at the end of the second one, there are still plenty of possibilities for
a
third: Saddam could be destroyed, only to be replaced by an even greater
evil.
Then, of course, there's the prequel set in the Stone Age, the era we bomb
Iraq back to at the end of the third one. As far as we're concerned, this
thing is just getting started."
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