Sir John Suckling, "The Deformed Mistress" (163?)

[Dave Monroe]

"The Deformed Mistress"

I know there are some Fools that care
Not for the body, so the face be faire:
Some others too that in a female creature
Respect not beauty, but a comely feature:
And other too, that for those parts in sight
Care not so much, so that the rest be right.
Each man his humor hath; and faith 'tis mine
To love that woman which I now define.
First I would have her Wainscot Face and Hand
More wrincled far then any pleited band,
That in those furrows, if I'de take the pains,
I might both sow and reap all sorts of grains:
Her Nose I'de have a foot long, not above,
With pimples embroder'd, for those I love;
And at the end a comely Pearl of Snot,
Considering whether it should fall or not;
Provided next that half her Teeth be out,
I do not care much if her pretty Snout
Meet with her furrow'd Chin, and both together
Hem in her Lips, as dry as good whit-leather;
One Wall-Eye she shall have; for that's a signe
In other Beasts the best, why not in mine?
Her Neck I'le have to be pure Jet at least,
With yellow Spots enammell'd'; and her Breast
Like a Grashoppers wing both think and lean,
Not to be toucht for dirt, unless swept clean:
As for her Belly, 'tis no matter, so
There be a Belly, and a Cunt below;
Yet if you will, let it be somthing high,
And always let there be a timpanie.
But soft, where am I now! here I should stride,
Lest I fall in, the place must be so wide; 
And pass unto her Thighs, which shall be just
Like to an Ants that's scraping in the dust:
Into her Legs I'de have Loves issues fall,
And all her Calf into a gouty Small:
Her Feet both thick, and Eagle like displaid,
The symptoms of a comely handsom Maid.
As for her parts behind, I ask no more,
If they be answer those that are before,
I have my utmost wish; and having so,
Judge whether I am happy, yea or no.

http://www.aug.edu/~nprinsky/Engl3002/SucklingNQ.htm

http://www.ualr.edu/rlknutson/Lyric.html#anchor929650


 
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