Pynchon & Python

[Paul Di Filippo]

This might be the most commonly made observation in the world, but I'll 
still make it again, having not previously heard anyone else say it:  
surely Pynchon must've been inspired by the Pythons for his Disgusting 
English Candy Drill:

6. It's the Arts (or: The BBC Entry to the Zinc Stoat of Budapest)
(episode 6; aired November 23, 1969; recorded November 5, 1969)
	▪ 	It's the Arts
	▪ 	Johann Gambolputty
	▪ 	Non-Illegal Robbery
	▪ 	Vox Pops
	▪ 	Crunchy Frog
	▪ 	The Dull Life of a City Stockbroker
	▪ 	Red Indian in Theatre
	▪ 	Policemen Make Wonderful Friends
	▪ 	A Scotsman on a Horse
	▪ 	Twentieth-Century Vole


Cut to studio. A door opens. Inspector Praline looks round door.
Praline
(to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent Parrot and 
goes to desk) Mr Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of the 
Whizzo Chocolate Company?
Milton
I am.
Praline
Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad.We want to have 
a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the Whizzo 
Quality Assortment.
Milton
Ah, yes.
Praline
(producing box of chocolate) If I may begin at the beginning. First 
there is the Cherry Fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can't 
prosecute you for that.
Milton
Agreed.
Praline
Next we have number four, 'Crunchy Frog'.
Milton
Ah, yes.
Praline
Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?
Milton
Yes. A little one.
Praline
What sort of frog?
Milton
A dead frog.
Praline
Is it cooked?
Milton
No.
Praline
What, a raw frog?
Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy.
Milton
We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, 
cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then 
sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk 
chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Praline
That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
Milton
What else?
Praline
Well don't you even take the bones out?
Milton
If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it?
Praline
Superintendent Parrot ate one of those.
Parrot
Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)
Praline
Well, the Superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won't 
expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think it's some 
sort of mock frog.
Milton
(insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or additives 
of any kind!
Praline
Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the 
words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend, 'crunchy raw 
unboned real dead frog' if you want to avoid prosecution.
Milton
What about our sales?
Praline
I'm not interested in your sales! I have to protect the general public! 
Now what about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, 
wasn't it? (superintendent nods) Number five Ram's Bladder Cup. (exit 
superintendent) What sort of confection is this?
Milton
We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, 
steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue and 
garnished with lark's vomit.
Praline
Larks vomit?
Milton
Correct.
Praline
Well it don't say nothing about that here.
Milton
Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.
Praline
(looking) Wel I hardly think this is good enough. I think it's be more 
appropriate if the box bore a great red label warning lark's vomit.
Milton
Our sales would plummet!
Praline
Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary, 
like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavor, I'm lead to 
understand. (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one 'cockroach 
cluster', (superintendent exits) anthrax ripple! What's this one: 
'spring surprise'?
Milton
Ah - now, that's our speciality - covered with darkest creamy 
chocolate. When you pop it into your mouth steel bolts spring out and 
plunge straight through both cheeks.
Praline
Well where's the pleasure in that? If people place a nice chocky in 
their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is 
an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to 
accompany me to the station.
Milton
(getting up from the desk and being led away) It's a fair cop.
Praline
Stop talking to the camera.
Milton
I'm sorry.
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