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[Robin Landseadel]

Dances With Smurfs!!!

This shotgun marriage of Gaia 'n G.I. Joe [with Gaia winning in this  
first round, just like Ripley in Alien] is hopelessly confused—Gaia  
would have had her scorpion minions take the air out of Gunnery Sgt.  
Hartman's tires long before the firefights took down Branstock or come  
up witn an organism that would eat though the seals in Blackwater's  
shoddily-built ventilation system. Good eye candy, though—it would be  
great to lop off the Tropic-Thunder styled firefight/finale to make  
room for an expanded tree-hugging segment, including an Annie Sprinkle  
workshop or maybe a Lady Ga-Ga long-form video.

I'm thinkin' somebody ought to offer Ayahuasca or maybe Bufotenin for  
the poor folks waiting in the freezing weather outside the IMAXs  
[IMAXi?]—maybe Disney will come up with some The Princess and the Frog  
toad-licking promotional tie-in?