True Tales of Conversational Vengeance

[Dave Monroe]

My friend Matt Selman once met a postdoc English student who, when
Matt told him he writes for The Simpsons, instantly said he didn’t
watch TV. When Matt asked what he worked on, and the guy said he just
wrote a book about Thomas Pynchon, Matt got to say, “I talked to him
on the phone today,” since he’d just recorded Pynchon for the show.

http://wordplay.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/26/stein/

A room full of strangers is not my favorite social scenario. I prefer
a room full of people who already think I'm great. My wife, however,
enjoys new people, and she was soon making friends who we would never
see again. Naturally she insisted on introducing me to one of them.

Alright, I thought. A New Person. No problem. I'm no misanthrope. Just
pretend to be a nomal person who's good at small talk: look people in
the eye. Listen to what they have to say. Don't just talk about
yourself. Ask questions that show you've been listening. Laugh even if
they aren't funny. Don't be a misanthrope.

My New Person looked like a blond version of the actor who played
Young Sherlock Holmes in Young Sherlock Holmes. So  I attempted
conversation with Blond Young Sherlock Holmes.

BLOND YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES: So, what do you do?
ME: I'm a TV writer.
BYSH: (IMMEDIATELY) I don't watch TV. Really, I don't even own a TV.

Okay, look, I'm fine with people never watching TV. They're lying, but
I understand. I don't watch that much TV myself. But why do people at
parties feel such smug delight at telling you (okay, me), without
hesitation, that they don't watch TV? If you met a dentist at a party,
would you announce that you don't brush your teeth? Would you tell a
structural engineer that you don't ride in elevators?

I get it. The TV consciencious objector is just establishing
intellectual superiority over my highly paid dumb thing. Yeah, I'm no
stranger to "I don't watch TV." But this time, as an experiment, I
swallowed my annoyance.

ME: Yeah, TV is lame. Um, what do you do?
BYSH: I'm a post-doctoral student in English.

(Notice here that I did not say back to him, "I don't read books in
English. Really, I don't even own a dictionary.")

ME: Awesome. That's so cool. What do you, I don't know, study?
BYSH: Well, I just finished writing a book on Thomas Pynchon.

Blond Young Sherlock Holmes turned out to be a Pynchon nut. Loves
Pynchon. He's obsessed with him. And, in his obsession, I saw an
opportunity for revenge on "I don't watch TV" that would make me the
Jew-fro-ed Moriarty to his Blond Young Sherlock Holmes. But first, I
had to play dumb, reel him in a little.

ME: You wrote a book on Thomas Pynchon? Cool. Very cool. When does it come out?
BYSH: Well, it's really an academic book. You wouldn't see it.
ME: Isn't he like a big recluse or something?
BYSH: You could say that. I mailed my book to Thomas Pynchon himself.
But he won't read it. His publisher won't even accept any writing
based on his work.

Now, over the Reichenbach Falls.

ME: I talked to him on the phone today.
YBSH: Talked to who?
ME: Thomas Pynchon.
YBSH: WHAT!?!?
ME: Yeah, Pynchon LOVES The Simpsons. This is the second time he's
been on the show. I directed him over the phone from New York. He
sounds like a New York Grampa. Gruff but sweet. Good guy.

This had the benefit of being true. I had talked extensively to Thomas
Pynchon that day. Not about anything substantial. Mostly about which
word he should emphasize in the phase, "The Frying of Latke 49." (It
was "Latke.") But it was a lot closer to America's second most famous
reclusive author (or second most reclusive famous author) than
Sherlock was ever going to get. Vengeance.

http://techland.time.com/2009/09/08/true-tales-of-conversational-vengeance/