How to Read a Thomas Pynchon Novel

[Elaine M.M. Bell]

*Pynchon Safety: At Home and Everywhere Else*



Never fool around or play with Pynchon novels.  All books are dangerous
when they are not handled or used properly and can easily injure or kill
you, and those around you.  The rules for safe Pynchon-novel handling must
always be followed to avoid accidents.

*The 12 Golden rules for Safe Pynchon-novel Handling*

1.      *Always* treat the novel as loaded.

2.      *Always* keep the book pointed in a post-modernist direction.

3.      *Always* keep your finger straight and off the sentence until you
are ready to read.

4.      *Always* keep the novel shelved until you are ready to use it*.*

5.      *Never *point the novel at anything you don't intend to destroy.

6.      *Always* be sure of your target and what is beyond it.

7.      *Always* know your Pynchon!  Learn the mechanical and handling
characteristics of the particular novel you are using.  (Precautions for
reading *Inherent Vice* require a much shorter user-manual than for,
say, *Gravity’s
Rainbow)*

8.      *Always* use proper inanition.

9.      *Always* be sure the mind is clear of obstructions before reading.

10.  *Never* rely on the novel's critical reception to keep it from firing
too deeply into your synapses..

11.  *Always* be aware of your surroundings when handling Pynchon novels so
you don't trip or lose your balance and accidentally point the book at
anyone or anything.

12.  *Never attempt to drive or operate machinery while reading a Pynchon
novel. *In Cambridge, Massachusetts, alone, more than 3.1415 injuries per
thousand readers have been attributed to misuse of Pynchon works.

*Home Pynchon-Novel Safety*

The rules of home safety are few and easy to follow.  Equally important is
the development of the proper attitude toward critically-acclaimed novels
written by reclusive authors who are sometimes portrayed as cartoon
characters.  Despite *The Simpsons’ *bold irreverence*,* an attitude of
respect and seriousness should always be encouraged and maintained when
dealing with Pynchon.  In the beginning, this may require a conscious
effort, but as time passes it becomes instinctive.

   - *Pynchon novels** should be read only when in the library, home,
   schoolroom or Pynchon-friendly coffeehouses*.  *At all other times*,
   during travel and always during sexual activity, they should be secured on
   high shelves or in locked bookcases.
   - *Never handle or show Pynchon novels without first carefully checking
   to be sure the person to whom you are displaying the work is even remotely
   interested.  *Never assume that anyone NOT subscribed to the online
   Pynchon-list wants to hear you go on about OBA.
   - *Long novels, such as Mason & Dixon, should be stowed securely in
   racks or cabinets, preferably locked.  Shorter novels, such as The
   Crying of Lot 49 should be stored in a locked drawer.*  Until a new
   Pynchon novel appears (pray God) *Inherent Vice* may be displayed in a
   public place, such as the coffee table or behind the couch cushions.  Locked
   storage is particularly important if there are children or other pre (or
   post-)-literate entities in the home.  If the proper storage facilities are
   not available, trigger locks should be purchased.  Different types are
   available for use on all kinds of bookcases, and they prevent even a
   fully-loaded novel from being read.

*Remember that Pynchon novels are not toys and should be treated with
respect.*



On Thu, Feb 28, 2013 at 10:43 PM, David Morris <fqmorris at gmail.com> wrote:

> Message: Pynchon is Painful.
> Chose your poison, and drink it.  Hurt is its own reward.
>
> On Thursday, February 28, 2013, Dave Monroe wrote:
>
>> http://www.wikihow.com/Read-a-Thomas-Pynchon-Novel
>>
>


-- 
Elaine M.M. Bell, Writer
860.833.2625
Have Laptop/Will Travel
(but wicked good to be back in Massachusetts)
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