Paracultural Calendar for August 5

[Mark Thibodeau]

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On this day in *1570*, a group of Spanish Jesuits led by *Fray Batista
Segura* arrives in the Chesapeake Bay area of Virginia in order to convert
the native "savages" there to Christianity. Six months later, the entire
group was slaughtered by the very Indians they had come to evangelize. BURN!

***

On this day in *1583*, Sir *Humphrey Gilbert* establishes the first English
colony in North America at what is now St. John's, Newfoundland.

***

On this day in *1735*, *New York Weekly Journal* writer *John Peter Zenger* is
acquitted of “seditious libel” against the royal governor of New York
because what he had published was, in fact, true.

***

On this day in *1861*, in order to help pay for the Civil War, the United
States government levies the first ever *income tax* as part of the Revenue
Act of 1861. Back then, you had to give the US government 3% of all incomes
over and above $800.

***

On this day in *1861*, the United States Army abolishes flogging. Chaos
ensues.

***

On this day in *1882*, Standard Oil of New Jersey is established. It is
more widely known across the globe as *Exxon *and or *Esso*, one of the
most evil, conspiracy-encrusted corporations in history, run by one of the
most evil, conspiracy-encrusted families in history... the *Rockefellers*.

***

On this day in *1944*, the Nazis begin a week-long massacre of anywhere
between 40,000 and 100,000 civilians and prisoners of war in Wola, Poland.

***

On this day in *1957*,* American Bandstand* debuts on the ABC television
network. The show is dedicated to teenage baby-boomers, playing the songs
and showing popular dances of the time. The show’s Dorian Grey-like host, *Dick
Clark*, didn’t age a day during the show’s half-century run.

***

*Goodbye, Norma Jean.* The once and future *Marilyn Monroe* blows out her
own candle with a fistful of barbiturates on this day in *1962*, thus
selflessly sparing us, the public, from having to witness her long, sad
decline into decrepitude. Meanwhile, half a world away, in South Africa,
freedom fighter *Nelson Mandela* is thrown in jail. He would not emerge
from captivity until 28 years later, in 1990.

***

On this day in *1981*, US President *Ronald Reagan* fires 11,359 striking
air-traffic controllers who ignored his presidential declaration that they
had to return to work, or else.

***

On this day in *2012*, some asshole by the name of *Wade Michael Page* walks
into a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, Wisconsin, and opens fire, killing six
people. Eventually, he shoots himself in the head after being wounded by
police during the post-massacre standoff.
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