PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 24

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in 410, the Visigoths under king Alaric I begin to pillage
Rome. Then, on this day in 455, the Vandals, led by king Genseric, begin to
plunder Rome. Finally, on this day in 1185, Thessalonica is sacked by the
Normans. Hot damn! That’s a whole lotta sackin’ goin’ on!

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On this day in 1349, 6,000 Jews are killed in Mainz, today in Germany,
after being blamed for spreading the bubonic plague somehow.

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On this day in 1456, the print-setting for the first edition of the
Gutenberg Bible is completed.

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On this day in 1608, the first official English representative to India
lands in Surat. And they all lived happily together after.

***

Even though their nation didn't exist at the time, many Canadians consider
August 24 of 1814 to be their finest hour. Why? Because that's the day they
woke up on the wrong side of their igloos, crept on tippy-toes to
Washington DC, and burned down the Capital building. To that yer old pal
Jerky says: Whoopdy-fuckin' shit!

***

On this day in the year 1853, Chef George Crum creates the potato chip,
known as "crisps" to our friends in the British Commonwealth. So, next time
you're walking down the street and you wonder where all these fucking FAT
people came from all of a sudden, just remember Chef George Crum and his
contribution to the Illuminati Genocide Diet!

***

On this day in 1857, the Panic of 1857 begins, setting off one of the most
severe economic crises in United States history.

***

On this day in 1891, Thomas Edison patents the motion picture camera. Chaos
ensues.

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On this day in 1941, Adolf Hitler orders an end to Nazi Germany's
systematic T4 euthanasia program of the mentally ill and the handicapped
due to mass protests. Despite this declaration, the killings continue for
the remainder of the war.

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On this day in 1949, NATO goes into effect.

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On this day in 1954, the Communist Control Act goes into effect, officially
outlawing the American Communist Party.

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On this day in 1967, led by Abbie Hoffman, the Youth International Party
(YIPPIES!) temporarily disrupt trading at the NYSE by throwing dollar bills
from the viewing gallery, causing trading to cease as brokers scramble like
a bunch of fucking goofs to grab them.

***

On this day in 1981, Mark David Chapman is sentenced to 20 years to life in
prison for murdering John Lennon. 20 YEARS!!! Bradley Manning, meanwhile…

***

On this day in 1991, Ukraine declares itself independent from the Soviet
Union.

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On this day in 1998, the first ever radio-frequency identification (RFID)
human implantation tested in – where else? – the United Kingdom.

***

On this day in 2006, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) redefines
the term "planet" such that Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet. Poor
Pluto...
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