Paracultural Calendar for Feb 4, 5 and 6!

[Mark Thibodeau]

Feb 4

Also on this day, in the year *1600*, *Tycho Brahe* and *Johannes Kepler* meet
for the first time, on the outskirts of Prague. And if our schools still
taught history, that might mean *something*
<http://galileoandeinstein.physics.virginia.edu/lectures/tycho.htm> to you.

***

On this day in *1789*, *George Washington* is unanimously elected as the
first President of the United States by the U.S. Electoral College.

***

On this day in *1846*, the first Mormon pioneers make their exodus from
Nauvoo, Illinois, westward towards Utah Territory.

***

On this day in *1861*, representatives from South Carolina, Mississippi,
Florida, Alabama, Georgia, and Louisiana convene to establish the
Confederate States of America. If this little nugget of historical trivia
gets you all misty-eyed and nostalgic feeling... then you might be a
redneck!

***

On this day in *1974*, 19-year-old newspaper heiress *Patty Hearst* is
kidnapped from her Berkeley, California apartment by three armed members of
the SLA, or *Symbionese Liberation Army*. The incident, in which Hearst is
carried away, gagged and blindfolded, by three gun-blazing perps, was
witnessed by dozens. A week later, the SLA demands that the Hearst family
donate $70 in food to every needy person from Santa Rosa to Los Angeles,
after which they would begin negotiations for Patty's release. *Randolph
Hearst* hesitantly gave away some $2 million worth of food, but the SLA
demands Heart pony up $4 million more. But then, three months later, in a
taped statement, Patty Hearst declares that she has joined the SLA. Later,
she takes part in a bank robbery in San Francisco, and another in Los
Angeles. A month later, on May 17, police raid the SLA's headquarters,
killing six of nine known members, but Patty and the others escape.
Eventually, she gets caught, pleads brainwashing, gets sentenced to seven
years anyway, eventually gets released, moves on to a second career
starring in John Waters movies, then gets fully pardoned less than a year
ago. She is currently working on the sequel to the most interesting movie
she's ever been in, as star witness for the prosecution in her past

***

On this day in *1997*, Theissman-winning grid-iron legend *O.J. "the Juice"
Simpson* is found "liable" - as opposed to "guilty" - for the deaths of *Ron
Goldman* and *Nicole Brown Sugar*, in a civil suit filed in the wake of the
"not guilty" - as opposed to "innocent" - verdict, in his criminal trial.
Sound confusing? It supposed to be! It's the LAW!

***

On this day in *1998*, Microsoft founder *Bill Gates* gets a pie thrown at
his face in Belgium. HA-ha!

***

On this day in *2004*, Facebook, a mainstream online social networking
site, is founded by *Mark Zuckerberg*.

*FEBRUARY 5*

<http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/12/Powell-anthrax-vial.jpg>

In April of *1937*, *Adolph Hitler* bombed the civilian population of
*Guernica*, a tiny Basque village in northern Spain. This first-ever aerial
bombardment of a civilian population center was viewed by the Nazis as
bombing practice for the Luftwaffe, and was done on behalf of Spain's
soon-to-be fascist dictator, *Generalissimo Francisco Franco*. Sixteen
hundred people died as the high-explosives and incendiary bombs smashed all
around. In the cold and silent mountains, Guernica burned for three days
and nights.

When news of the bombings reached Paris, the city exploded in protest.
Millions took to the streets in the biggest May Day marches in the history
of the city. *Pablo Picasso*, that least political of modern artists, saw a
newspaper featuring stark black and white photographs of the horrific
devastation in his homeland, and was immediately seized with inspiration.
He returned to his studio and began working on what would eventually turn
out to be one of his greatest masterpieces. He entitled it, simply: *Guernica
1937*.

In *1985*, *Nelson Rockefeller* donated a reproduction of this magnificent
painting to the United Nations building in New York City. Ever since, it
has hung at the entrance of the Security Council, serving as a stark
reminder of the kind of horror the United Nations was created to help
prevent.

On *January 27* of *2003*, in an event eerily reminiscent of Attorney
General *John Ashcroft*'s covering up the bare-breasted statue of Lady
Justice, United Nations staff *hid the reproduction of Guernica behind a
large blue curtain*… and with good reason. You see, when members of the
Security Council address the press after a meeting, Guernica hangs
prominently in the background. And it was on this day in 2003 that
Secretary of State *Colin Powell* went in front of the global community to *lie
his fucking ass off* <http://www.tvnewslies.org/html/powell_lies_to_un.html>.
And the last thing he needed while trying to make a *case*
<http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/02/05/iraq/main539563.shtml> for
launching a preemptive attack against Iraq - starting with a devastating
"shock and awe" onslaught of up to 800 cruise missiles launched straight
into the heart of Baghdad - was that damning canvas looming behind him like
some grim specter of the unimaginable horrors he, and the administration he
represented, seemed so desperate to unleash upon the world.

<http://artsintherightplace.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/guernica.jpg>

***

On this day in *1852*, the *Hermitage Museum* in Saint Petersburg, Russia,
one of the largest and oldest museums in the world, opens to the public. In
2002, the remarkable film *Russian Ark
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_Ark>*features this remarkable
building in a single, remarkable, 2-hour "take".


***

On this day in *1869*, the largest alluvial gold nugget in history, called
the *Welcome Stranger <http://www.panoramio.com/photo/48669030>*, is found
in Moliagul, Victoria, Australia.

***

On this day in *1885*, evil scumbag *King* *Leopold II* of Belgium
establishes the Congo as a personal possession. A lot of very *evil
"firsts" <http://digitaljournal.com/blog/11297>* happen there under his
watch. This guy belongs on the same list as *Hitler*, *Stalin* and *Mao*.

***

On this day in *1901*, inventor *Ed Prescott* patents the centrifugal
roller coaster, which is capable of sending thrill-seekers into a
full-fledged upside-down loop-de-loop. Subsequent patents filed by Ed
Prescott include the Barf Bag, the Puke Bib, and the Vomit Goggles.

***

On this day in *1909*, Belgian chemist *Leo Baekeland* announces the
creation of *Bakelite*, the world's first synthetic plastic.

***

On this day in *1918*, American pilot *Stephen W. Thompson* shoots down a
German airplane in the very first aerial "dogfight" victory by the U.S.
military.

***

On this day in *1918*, the USSR officially begins separating church and
state. Church nearly succumbs to post-operative complications.

***

On this day in *1919*, Hollywood titans *Charlie Chaplin*, *Mary
Pickford*, *Douglas
Fairbanks*, and*D.W. Griffith* launch *United Artists*. It lasts until the
late 70's, when *Michael Cimino*'s *Heaven's Gate* pretty much
destroys it. *Tom
Cruise* attempted to revive it years later, but nothing doing.

***

On this day in *1937*, President *Franklin D. Roosevelt* proposes a plan to
enlarge the Supreme Court of the United States. It was not his proudest day.

***

On this day in *1939*, *Generalísimo Francisco Franco* becomes the 68th
"Caudillo de España", or Leader of Spain, a job he keeps for a very, very
long time.

***

On this day in *1958*, a hydrogen bomb is lost by the US Air Force off the
coast of Savannah, Georgia, never to be recovered. Wow. I wonder who's got
a hold of it now?

***

On this day in *1971*, astronauts land on the moon in the Apollo 14
mission... *or did they?! *Um... yes. The answer is yes, they did.

***

On this day in *1972*, Bob Douglas becomes the first black man elected to
Basketball's Hall of Fame. It is my considered opinion that this fact
requires no further editorial manipulation to make it hilarious.

***

On this day in *1973*, the *Hagar The Horrible* comic strip hits the funny
pages for the first time ever, proving once and for all that Vikings aren't
really all that funny. I dunno… maybe it's the whole rape, pillage and
murder thing.

***

On this day in *1976*, the *swine flu* outbreak begins at Fort Dix, New
Jersey.

***

On this day in the year *1988*, in the first professional wrestling match
to be aired on prime-time network television in 30 years, *Andre the Giant*
 defeats *Hulk Hogan*. Some observers believe this event triggered the
regrettable pro-wrestling renaissance which continues to thrive to this
very day. Interesting aside: recent studies have shown that up to 90% of
backyard wrestlers are gay, even though most have no idea.

***

On this day in *1989*, *Kareem Abdul-Jabar* becomes the first NBA player to
score 38,000 career points. To put that achievement in perspective, that's
almost four points for every chick *Wilt Chamberlain* ever banged.

FEBRUARY 6

On this day in *1820*, the first 86 African American immigrants sponsored
by the American Colonization Society depart New York to start a settlement
in present-day *Liberia*. An interesting idea that, well... let's just say,
it didn't exactly turn out like most people hoped.

***

 The board game *Monopoly* first hits the shelves on this day in *1935*,
smack dab in the middle of the Great Depression. Countless screaming family
fist-fights ensue.

***

On this day in *1959*, at Cape Canaveral, Florida, the first successful
test firing of a *Titan*intercontinental ballistic missile is
accomplished. *Jack
Parsons*, rocket scientists and acolyte of occultist *Aleister Crowley*,
was *instrumental
<http://www.spacesafetymagazine.com/2013/08/02/jack-parsons-occult-roots-jpl/>*
in
the creation of the multi-stage solid fuel propulsion platform that made
this evil, potentially world-destroying weapon possible.

***

On this day in *1979*, the Supreme Court of Pakistan affirms the death
sentence against Former Prime Minister *Zulfikar Ali Bhutto*, for allegedly
rigging an election and killing a guy. In other words... he was FAR too
liberal!

***

On this day in *1988*, basketballer *Michael Jordan* makes his signature
slam dunk from the free throw line inspiring Air Jordan and the Jumpman
logo.

***

On this day in *1997*, in an English courtroom, *Diane Blood* wins the
right to use her dead husband's sperm. Later, some in the jury come to
regret their decision, when it's discovered that Blood has used it to seal
the cracks in her shower stall.
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