Paracultural Calendar for Feb 26

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in *747 BC*, the origin of *Ptolemy*'s Nabonassar Era...
whatever that is.

***

On this day in *1616*, representatives from the Spanish Inquisition deliver
an injunction to *Galileo*, instructing him to keep his mouth shut about
all that "science" and "outer space" stuff. According to official documents
in the Vatican archives, Galileo is currently writhing in an ever-burning
oven down in Hell, ruing the day he decided to cross the Catholic Church by
thinking for himself. But never forget, folks… God LOVES you!

***

On this day in *1815*, *Napoleon Bonaparte* escapes from Elba.

***

On this day in *1848*, *Marx and Engels* publish their *Communist Manifesto*.
Chaos ensues.

***

On this day in *1917*, the Original Dixieland Jass Band records the first
jazz record, for the Victor Talking Machine Company in New York.

***

On this day in *1919*, President *Woodrow Wilson* signs an act of the U.S.
Congress establishing most of the Grand Canyon as a United States National
Park - the Grand Canyon National Park.

***

On this day in *1920*, the first German Expressionist film and early horror
movie, *Robert Wiene*'s *The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari*, receives its
première in Berlin.

***

On this day in *1926*, Dark Street in the Bronx renamed Lustre Street. It
changes nothing.

***

On this day in *1930*, the first ever red/green traffic lights are
installed in Manhattan, New York. Hundreds of commuters perish in horrific
head-ons as most drivers are hypnotized by the mysterious-yet-beautiful
luminous street ornaments.

***

On this day in *1935*, *Adolf Hitler* orders the Luftwaffe to be re-formed,
violating the provisions of the Treaty of Versailles.

***

On this day in *1983*. *Michael "Jacko" Jackson*'s *Thriller* album claims
the number one spot on the Billboard charts and remains there for an
astonishing 37 weeks. Yer old pal Jerky figures the only reason this album
was so successful is because *Vincent Price* makes a special guest vocal
appearance on the title track.

***

On this day in *1987*, the Tower Commission rebukes President *Ronald
Reagan* for not controlling his national security staff during the
*Iran-Contra* affair.

***

On this day in *1993*, the World Trade Center is bombed by militant Islamic
terrorists. 7 people die and scores are injured in the massive blast, which
knocks away three floors of underground parking. If the explosion at the
base of the Twin Towers had been just a little bit more powerful, it would
have collapsed both buildings, most likely killing most of the estimated
forty thousand workers, tenants and tourists who were in the building at
the time.

***

On this day in *1994*, stand-up philosopher *Bill Hicks* dies of pancreatic
cancer at the ripe old age of 33. The dissident Texan has been dead for
over two decades, and his words are more relevant now than ever before...
almost prophetically so. See today's "Google This" for more details, and
download some of his comedy routines off Kazaa or something, while you
still can.

***

On this day in *1998*, *Oprah Winfrey* wins her "battle of the titans" when
she beat a bunch of litigious Texas cattlemen who sued the BSE-freaked TV
hostess for telling her millions-strong viewing audience she'd never eat
another hamburger.

***

On this day in *1999*, Senator *Chris Dodd *(D-Conn) and Senator *Robert
Bennet *(R-Utah) - ranking members of the Senate Special Committee on the
*Y2K* Problem - went on CBS's Face the Nation and basically freaked out the
entire panel. Of the then-looming Y2K disaster, the Senators said: "This is
one of the most serious and potentially devastating events this nation has
ever encountered." They claimed that the millennial chaos could include
lives lost to malfunctioning medical equipment, erased banking records,
massive blackouts and missiles from other countries automatically launching
themselves. "Any responsible household would prepare and have on hand a
two- or three-day supply." Eventually, of course, it was discovered that
the whole Y2K thing was a load of hogshit devised by *The Powers That Be* to
fuck up what would otherwise have been the ultimate New Year's Eve party of
all fucking time. And, seeing as most people stayed home on the night of
Dec 31, shotguns across their laps, ready to defend their 30-lb containers
of Minute Rice and their bathtubs full of spring water, it looks like the
party-pooping finger-sniffers succeeded.

***

On this day in *2013*, a hot air balloon crashes near Luxor, Egypt, killing
19 people.
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