Paracultural Calendar for July 12

[Mark Thibodeau]

<http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/3/3f/Australian_Aboriginal_Flag.svg>

On this day in *927*, *King Æthelstan* of England secures a pledge
from *Constantine
II* of Scotland that the latter will not ally with the Vikings, beginning
the process of unifying Great Britain. This is considered the closest thing
that England has to a foundation date.

***

On this day in *1543*, England's *King Henry VIII* marries his sixth and
last wife, *Catherine Parr*, at Hampton Court Palace.

***

On this day in *1580*, the first ever Slavic language Bible - the *Ostrog
Bible* - is published. Early editions had to be corrected, however, when it
was discovered that some wise-acre monk switched the Last Supper menu from
bread and wine to pierogies and vodka.

***

On this day in *1859*, tired of having to look into his wife's spotty,
un-tweezed face while he's making love to her, yet unwilling to forego his
nightly sampling of the fleshy entitlements that were his husbandly
due,*William
Goodale* of Massachusetts patents a machine that manufactures *paper bags* by
the hundreds. Problem solved!

***

On this day in *1892*, a hidden lake bursts out of a glacier on the side of
Mont Blanc, flooding the valley below and killing around 200 villagers and
holidaymakers in Saint Gervais. I think *Steely Dan* may have written a
song about this, but I can't be sure.

***

On this day in *1960*, the first *Etch A Sketch* goes on sale. Childhood
frustration ensues.

***

On this day in *1962*, the *Rolling Stones* perform their first ever
concert, at the Marquee Club in London, England, United Kingdom.

***

On this day in *1963*, the first victim in the Moors murders -
16-year-old *Pauline
Reade* - disappears on her way to a dance at the British Railways Club in
Gorton, England, .

***

On this day in *1971* the *Australian Aboriginal Flag* is flown for the
first time. It's quite handsome. See above.

***

On this day in the year *1979*, America's growing hatred for that dreaded
phenomena known as *disco* reaches its inevitable zenith with the *Disco
Demolition Riot* at Comiskey Park in Chicago. Organized by disc jockey *Steve
Dahl* of WLUP-FM, the derby degenerated into chaos during the second game
of a double-header, with overenthusiastic disco-haters taking to the fields
and lighting a bonfire behind the pitcher's mound…  all in the name of
despising disco!

***

On this day in *1985*, doctors discover a cancerous growth in President *Ronald
Reagan*'s lower intestine. After excising the tumor, doctors immerse it in
a tub full of nutrient-rich spinal fluid and store it in a hermetically
sealed hyperbaric chamber under intensely high pressure. When they crack
open the chamber 666 days later, *Dan Quayle* steps out of there, his empty
eyes glowing red with otherworldly evil. The rest, as they say, is history.

***

On this day in *2002*, the Superior Court of Ontario orders the Canadian
province of Ontario to recognize same-sex marriages, at which point regular
old different-sex marriages suddenly died a horrible, wheezing death.
Thanks a lot, gaylords!

***

On this day in *2007*, US Army Apache helicopters perform airstrikes in
Baghdad, Iraq. Highly disturbing footage from the cockpit is later leaked
to the Internet. It is not very easy to watch, especially if you have
trouble accepting that Americans are frequently the Bad Guys...
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