Paracultural Calendar for June 14

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in *1642*, America's first ever compulsory education law is
passed in Massachusetts, effectively forcing kids to attend school for a
mandated minimum amount of instruction in reading, writing and arithmetic.
Now, with hindsight, we can see that the passing of this law was nothing
less than the rhetorical *fat kid* arriving at the metaphorical *top* of
the allegorical *slippery slope* of the socialistic/communistic *nanny
state*, which has led us inexorably to our current society-wide crisis. And
who but those Godforsaken liberals - or maybe a Kennedy *(spit)* - can deny
that we are being overrun by atheistic gun-toting homosexual grade-school
terrorists on crack!?

***

On this day in *1777*, America's Continental Congress chooses the *Stars n'
Stripes* to replace the Grand Union flag. It's a good thing they didn't go
with their first choice for a replacement: a cartoonish portrait of *King
George III* sucking*Ben Franklin*'s cock, with the words "Mmmm... Daddy
LIKES!" scrawled across the bottom. I mean, it makes a point, but it
probably wouldn't have stood the test of time.

***

On this day in *1822*, a British scientist by the name of *Charles
Babbage* proposes
a "difference engine" in a paper to the Royal Astronomical Society entitled
"Note on the application of machinery to the computation of astronomical
and mathematical tables". It is the beginning of the end of all mankind, as
the *ROBOTALYPSE* could never have happened without this terrible first
step.

***

On this day in *1947*, a UFO crash-lands near *Roswell, New Mexico*. Or
not. Depends on who you ask.

***

On this day in *1951*, the supercomputer known as *UNIVAC* I is handed over
to the US Census Bureau where it begins tabulating who will live and who
will die in the coming *ROBOTALYPSE *(see above).

***

On this day in the year *1954* - in the wake of a new American religiosity
which sprouted, fungus-like, in the shadow of the mushroom cloud -
President *Eisenhower* signs a Congressional resolution adding the words
"under God" to the heretofore secular *Pledge of Allegiance*. Previously,
the last phrase read: "...one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice
for all." Yer old pal Jerky much prefers the original, non-superstitious
version.

***

On this day, in the year *1986*, acclaimed Argentinian fantasist *Jorge
Luis Borges* shuffles off into the *labyrinth*
<http://www.themodernword.com/borges/index.html> in search of stories that
will forever remain untold.

***

On this day in *2002*, Near-Earth asteroid *2002 MN* misses the Earth by
75,000 miles (121,000 km), about one-third of the distance between the
Earth and the Moon. A close shave, indeed.
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