Paracultural Calendar for March 11

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in *222*, Emperor *Elagabalus* is assassinated, along with his
mother, *Julia Soaemias*, by the Praetorian Guard during a revolt. Their
mutilated bodies are dragged through the streets of Rome before being
thrown into the Tiber.

***

On this day in *1702*, *The Daily Courant*, England's first national daily
newspaper is published for the first time.

***

On this day in *1791*, *John Stone* patents the Pile Driver. It would be
nearly two centuries before another wrestling move was patented: *Abdullah
the Butcher*'s Sleeper Hold.

***

On this day in *1824*, the United States Department of War creates the
Bureau of Indian Affairs. Wow! That explains EVERYTHING!

***

On this day in *1848*, *Louis-Hippolyte Lafontaine* and *Robert Baldwin* become
the first Prime Ministers of the Province of Canada to be democratically
elected under a system of responsible government.

***

On this day in *1849*, President *Abraham Lincoln* becomes the first and
only President to apply for a patent. He is sorely disappointed when his
"covering moles with facial hair" technique is deemed ineligible.

***

On this day in *1864*, the largest man-made disaster ever to befall England
kills over 250 people in Sheffield, in what would come to be known as
the *Great
Sheffield Flood*.

***

On this day in the year *1893*, the management of New Mexico State
University cancel their very first graduation ceremony after the school's
one and only graduate - an unlucky fellow with the studly moniker of *Sam
Steele* - is robbed and murdered the night before.

***

On this day in *1918*, the first case of Spanish flu occurs, the start of a
devastating worldwide pandemic.

***

On this day in *1927*, in New York City, *Samuel Roxy Rothafel* opens the
infamous *Roxy Theatre*.

***

On this day in *1933*, Nevada becomes the first US state to regulate
narcotics, which is kind of ironic when you think about it.

***

On this day in *1946*, *Rudolf Höss*, the first commandant of Auschwitz
concentration camp, is captured by British troops.

***

On this day in *1971*, the Senate approves a constitutional amendment
lowering the voting age to 18, even though they don't deserve it, those
ungrateful hippy bastards!!!

***

On this day in *1993*, *Janet Reno* is confirmed by the United States
Senate and sworn in the next day, becoming the first female Attorney
General of the United States.

***

On this day in *1993*, unfortunately moniker'd OBGYN *David Gunn*, a doctor
who performed abortions, was shot three times in the back by a cowardly,
murderous Christian thug during an anti-abortion protest at the Pensacola
Women’s Medical Services clinic in Florida. Before pulling the trigger, the
murderer, *Michael Griffin*, had been heard to shout: "Don’t kill any more
babies!" The response issued by Rescue America - the group holding the
protest at which the murder took place - was weak, to say the least. "While
Gunn’s death is unfortunate," an official statement said, "it’s also true
that quite a number of babies’ lives will be saved." Griffin's murder of
Dr. Gunn sparked a wave of anti-choice terror resulting in numerous
murders, as well as innumerable acts of assault, terroristic threats,
vandalism, bombings, arson and all that other good stuff they teach in
certain churches. Unfortunately, pro-lifers have, for the most part,
achieved their goals. The tepid government response to their terrorism has
led many abortionists to switch careers, thus severely limiting the
availability of the procedure.

***

On this day in *2004*, the Madrid train bombings take place when
simultaneous explosions on rush hour trains in Madrid, Spain, kill 191
people. It's Spain's *9/11*.

***

On this day in *2007*, Georgia claims Russian helicopters attacked the
Kodori Valley in *Abkhazia*, an accusation that Russia categorically denies
later.

***

On this day in *2009*, 16 are killed and 11 are injured before
recent-graduate *Tim Kretschmer*shoots and kills himself, leading to
tightened weapons restrictions in Germany. Hey, wait... I thought guns were
illegal throughout Europe?!

***

On this day in *2011*, an earthquake measuring 9.0 in magnitude strikes 130
km (81 mi) east of Sendai, Japan, triggering a *tsunami* killing tens of
thousands of people. This event also triggered the second largest nuclear
accident in history - or largest, depending on whom you ask - and one of
only two events to be classified as a Level 7 on the International Nuclear
Event Scale: the terrifying, ongoing *Fukushima Meltdown*.

***

On this day in *2012*, a US soldier kills 16 civilians in the Panjwayi
District of Afghanistan near Kandahar.
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