Paracultural Calendar for March 13

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in *624*, a key battle between *Muhammad*'s army – the new
followers of Islam and the *Quraish of Mecca*. The Muslims won this battle,
known as the turning point of Islam, which took place in the Hejaz region
of western Arabia.

***

*Cortez* came dancing across the water with his galleons and guns, landing
in Mexico on this day in *1519*. On the shore lay *Montezuma*, with his
coca leaves and pearls. In his halls he'd often wander, with the secrets of
the world. And his people gathered 'round him, like the leaves around a
tree, in their clothes of many colors, for their angry Gods to see. Hate
was just a legend. War was never known. The people worked together, and
they lifted many stones. They carried them to the flatlands, and they died
along the way, but they built up with their bare hands what we still can't
do today. He came dancing across the water. Cortez, Cortez… what a killer.

***

On this day in *1781*, *William Herschel* discovers *Uranus*. He couldn't
miss it, thanks to the smell!

***

On this day in *1861*, demonstrating a flair for wicked irony to rival that
of fellow Southerner *Tennessee Williams*, confederate preznit *Jefferson
Davis* signs a bill authorizing the use of negro slaves as soldiers in the
confederate (i.e. traitor) army. Thus did slaves come to fight to preserve
the peculiar institution of slavery.

***

On this day in *1930*, the news of the discovery of *Pluto* is telegraphed
to the Harvard College Observatory.

***

On this day in *1943*, German forces liquidate the Jewish ghetto in Kraków.

***

On this day in *1962*, *Lyman Lemnitzer*, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of
Staff, delivers a proposal, called *Operation Northwoods*, regarding
performing terrorist attacks upon Guantánamo Bay Naval Base, to Secretary
of Defense *Robert McNamara*. The proposal is scrapped and President *John
F. Kennedy* removes Lemnitzer from his position.

***

On this day in *1964*, American *Kitty Genovese* is murdered, reportedly in
view of neighbors who did nothing to help her, prompting research into the
bystander effect. It turns out nothing we thought we knew about this case
is true.

***

On this day in *1969*, *Apollo 9* returns safely to Earth after testing the
Lunar Module.

***

On this day in *1991*, the United States Department of Justice announces
that Exxon has agreed to pay $1 billion for the clean-up of the Exxon
Valdez oil spill in Alaska.

***

Pissed off because he'd been exposed as a pervert and turfed from his
position as a scoutmaster, weirdo/sicko *Thomas Hamilton* packed a bag full
of guns and strolled over to his home town's grade school on this day in
the year 1996. By the time he was through, a grand total of sixteen
five-and-six-year-old children - and their teacher - lay lifeless in a sea
of blood on the cold gymnasium floor. Shaken police describe the gym as "a
medieval image of hell." Immediately after the slaughter, Hamilton did what
he should have done decades ago and turned the gun on himself, blowing his
own brains out.

***

On this day in *1997*, India's Missionaries of Charity choose *Sister
Nirmala* to succeed *Mother Teresa* as their new Mother Superior... and
promptly fade into total obscurity. They should have done like *INXS* and
made their choice of a dynamic new "frontman" the subject of a thrilling
"reality TV" show. They could have called it *Big Mother*, or *Survivor:
Calcutta*.

***

On this day in *2003*, the journal Nature reports that 350,000-year-old
footprints of an upright-walking human have been found in Italy.

***

On this day in *2013*, *Pope Francis* is elected in the papal conclave to
succeed Pope *Benedict XVI*, aka *Ratz Benedict*.
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