Paracultural Calendar for March 22

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in *1622*, Algonquian Indians kill 347 English settlers around
Jamestown, Virginia, a third of the colony's population, during the Second
Anglo-Powhatan War.

***

On this day in *1630*, the Massachusetts Bay Colony outlaws the possession
of cards, dice, and gaming tables. Fun place.

***

On this day in *1733*, soda pop comes one step closer to reality when *Joseph
Priestly* becomes the first person to artificially carbonate water.

***

On this day in *1894*, the first playoff game for the Stanley Cup starts.
It will take another 29 years to the day - on this day in *1923* - before
the first radio broadcast of ice hockey is made, by *Foster Hewitt*.

***

On this day in *1960*, *Arthur Leonard Schawlow* and *Charles Hard
Townes* receive
the first patent for a laser. That's right... a frickin' *LASER!*

***

On this day in *1963*, phase one of the *mass mind control conspiracy
<http://ca.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment/top-10-beatles-conspiracies_10.html>*
hatched
by the Tavistock Institute kicks off when the first album by *The
Beatles*, *Please
Please Me*, is released on an unsuspecting public.

***

On this day in *1978*, 73-year-old "Flying Wallendas" family patriarch *Karl
Wallenda* gets fouled up by strong winds while walking a tight-rope between
two Puerto Rican hotels, causing him to fall 120 feet to his death. Perhaps
the most annoying thing about Wallenda's legacy is how so many people say
"at least he died doing something he loved." This, of course, is pure
horse-shit. Does anyone really believe Karl Wallenda "loved" having his
frail, aged body smashed into pulp against concrete at two hundred miles
per hour?! The sad truth is, Karl Wallenda died while failing miserably at
something he loved.


***

On this day in *1984*, teachers at the McMartin preschool in Manhattan
Beach, California are charged with satanic ritual abuse of the children in
the school. The charges are later dropped as completely unfounded... but we
know better, don't we?

***

Soulful vocalizations from The Fat One and sexy guitar poses from The Hot
One help propel *Heart*'s *These Dreams* to the #1 position on the nation's
pop charts on this day in *1986*!

***

On this day in *1989*, *Clint Malarchuk* of the Buffalo Sabres suffers a
near-fatal injury when another player accidentally slits his throat. I was
watching that game live, and it was a gruesome sight that I hope never to
revisit any time soon.

***

On this day in *1997*, the Comet Hale-Bopp has its closest approach to
Earth, just in time for a bunch of cult members to hitch a ride on board to
the Great Beyond.
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