A midnight visit with the werewolf

[Jules Siegel]

[Screen fills with garbage characters morphing into a web browser
downloading mail, an innocent lad's face lighted only by the eerie CRT
glow, his eyes fixed on the scrolling lines as if seeking relief from
the flickering image of Grandma standing in the shadows, a hint of
something shiny and sharp in her hand.]

MASCARO at humnet.ucla.edu wrote:
 
> OK, Mr. Siegal (sorry about the misspelling).

Don't be sorry, son. Be correct. You got it wrong again. And call me
Jules. I'm not your high school English teacher. I'm a gnarly old
literary werewolf with fangs and claws. The moon is full tonight and
Grandma is your baby-sitter. "Oh, hi, Mr. Werewolf." Sounds silly. So
does Jules, but Yehuda is worse. That's my real name. Yehudah ben Eli
Sagon Halevi. Most Jews of my generation had Hebrew names but were given
American names on their birth certificates. My birth certificate reads
"Baby Siegel" because my mother and father couldn't agree on a name. My
mother wanted Julian. My father insisted on Julius. Everyone called me
Julie or Yudel. I didn't know my name was Jules until I went to
pre-school. I insisted my name was Julius and they had to call my mother
on the phone to get me to shut up about it. You talk about argumentative
people! No wonder I love the Internet. One big raving argument. Home at
last, Lord, I am home at last!

> You read your things, I'll read mine.

Afraid to open your eyes, puppy? Maybe you better close the blinds and
pull the covers over your head, too. The werewolf is howling for blood
tonight. You think grandma's bad? Wait until you see my shadow on your
bedroom wall. Yowwwwwww! Lon Chaney was an actor. I am a fugitive from
the brain gang, all teeth and no mind.

[Blood-chilling laughter, followed by loud snorting and panting as if
sniffing the air to locate victim, then steely claws scratching at the
window with a squeal worse than a 10-penny silver nail on a polished
marble crypt.] 

> I won't engage in a point by point commentary on your
> point-by-point commentary because that will get us nowhere.

It will get us somewhere if you try to be serious and make an effort
to understand what I'm saying rather than reacting from your own
off-the-wall perceptions. Here's a challenge: I say you won't do it
because you can't. You know that the things you say are often just
things that you say. When you run into a rusty chainsaw like me, you
fold your arms and look at the ceiling and retreat into haughty boredom.
If I'm wrong about this, prove it by responding with stuff that merits
our consideration. You never know, we might learn something. I'm more
than open to correction where I'm wrong. Are you? 

> I will also continue to post without carefully revising
> and editing because that's what I think this list is for,
> though I admit it gets me in trouble sometimes.

Very mature. I admire your creative command of the anal aggressive
character. Obstinate and messy, rather than obstinate and neat, as in
the anal retentive. The list is for discussing Tom's work and anything
else that the members feel pertinent. Your style of doing so is your own
choice. In the present instance, it enables you to make antagonistic and
unfair statements (which, frankly, make me feel bad when I read them)
and then to back off by acting gooney when I try to correct your factual
errors and unreasonable interpretations. Example: you post a quote from
someone else and attribute it to me. This isn't being cute. It's
slovenly. It wastes people's time. It creates confusion. Please try to
remember to use your Pampers next time you have to go out in public.

> I really do think that you sometimes go way too far in presuming
> knowledge of P. and his work

I don't presume anything. I write from direct knowledge. My opinions are
clearly labelled as opinion, my inferences as inference, and the gaps in
my direct knowledge are clearly indicated as well.

> and I will say forthrightly that I feel a hostility from you towards him 

You can forthrightly tell us where you see *any* hostility in my
comments about Tom. Put up or shut up. If you're wrong, you can be
civilized and apologize. Just because you're on-line doesn't mean that
you have the unrestricted right to kick others around with unsupported
attacks like this. If you perceive hostility in this reply, you've
finally got something right. It is directed at you, because of the
unfairness of your accusations and your generally unreasonable tone. I'm
sure that you get off on reactions like this. Since I'm really a nice
werewolf, I'm giving you what you want rather than ignoring you. Makes
me sad to see a fellow work so hard at being annoying and not get the
full benefit of his investment.

> that further complicates your motives

My motives are quite clear: I am enjoying the interaction with the list
and I welcome the public attention after so many years of isolation here
in Cancun, a resort built and operated for human robots by human robots.
We did have a Comedy Club here, but it went out of business before the
authorities could shut it down. We do a big business with humor impaired
groups. Probably the only resort in the world that is fully fitted out
for this segment of the handicapped. Could be a big market for humor
implants, too. Had your humor implant yet, boy?

> in acting as this odd sort of midwife or go between,
> this Gatekeeper of Authenticity

This is arrant name-calling. No cross-dressing allowed here either. I am
a guy. Don't make me have to remind you again. Midwife is a sexist term.
See alt.lib.male. I like the Gatekeeper of Authenticity, though. What
does the uniform look like? Lots of blue serge and brass buttons, I
hope. And a portable CB. Got to have a CB to summon the Reality Squad
when distortionists get nasty.

> p.s. the revelation about my grandmom should have been self-evident

It wasn't. Please explain what you meant. Did your grandmom attack you
with an axe? You should have reported her to the authorities. I think
this would definitely be considered child abuse in most jurisdictions.
Or is this something you hallucinate when engaging in substance abuse
and you were trying express solidarity with other casualties of the
Psychedelic Revolution by telling me this?

> I guess your need to psychoanalyze just got in the way again.

I don't have a need to psychoanalyze. It's just one of the techniques I
use to explain feelings and their sources. I didn't pyschoanalye your
statement. I reacted compassionately to what I perceived to be the pain
expressed in it by suggesting that you examine the source. Darn, I'm
naive. You were just funning, weren't you?

> And it just occurs to me that maybe that's what bugs me about your
> enterprise: it reduces to a kind of psychoanalytic criticism

It doesn't reduce to anything like that at all. What bugs you is my
magisterial tone and my disrespectful manner of talking about your hero
as if he were merely another guy, a great artist, but just another guy.
This goes for some others, too. When I told Anita about the guilt
trippers, she said, "They're afraid Pynchon might be reading all this
and they don't want to get in trouble." Tom -- are you there, Tom? Did
you get the names of the traitors who admitted to enjoying all this?
Hah-hah! Another great sting operation. Any of you guys read about the
fake re-mail services run by the intelligence agencies? This is the
absolute truth and may God strike me dead with a thunderbolt if I lie.
Government intelligence agents set up re-mail services in order to spy
on the people using them. We're watching you, Pynchon fans. Tom knows
who you are. He's studying you for his next book, Lineland.

> It has always been a school of criticism noted for hostility
> towards its subjects, BTW.

BTW? Bacon and tomato on wheat toast? I'll have one, too, real crispy on
the bacon please and lots of mayonnaise. I assume you're talking about
literary psychoanalysis. I haven't read any of it, so I have to plead
ignorance here. Be good to hear you plead a little ignorance, too.

Anyone agree? Or am I being too rough on the lad? Imagine that. Me, a
mere newcomer to this list, talking back harshly to a young old hand.
Deserve whatever I get, right? Excuse me, it's getting late and I have
to go make sure the firewall is shut down tight. Never know when some
nutball is going to take umbrage. Took a lot of umbrage myself back
when. Looked like yellow pumpkin seeds, didn't it?

[Exit Werewolf, talking to himself and waving his arms, followed by the
sound of the firewall slamming shut with a loud thunk like a ship's
hatch.]
-- 
Jules Siegel Website: http://www.caribe.net.mx/siegel/jsiegel.htm
Mail: Apdo. 1764 Cancun QR 77501 Mexico
Street: Green 16 Paseo Pok-Ta-Pok Zona Hotelera Cancun QR 77500 Mexico
Tel: 011-52-98 87-49-18 Fax 87-49-13 E-mail: jsiegel at mail.caribe.net.mx