BARBIE

[KENNETH HOUGHTON]

Yet another tangent...


Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir,

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid 
weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to 
break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be some 
changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and 
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list: 

       1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.
I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller are these bathing suits 
gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro 
crawling up your butt?

       2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably white. What
bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my 
skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!


       3.  A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that 
wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with that earring anyway?  
If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically 
correct.

       4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp 
away once he is anatomically correct.

       5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to twist,
just get it done.

       6.  A sports bra.  To wear until I get the surgery. 

       7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How 
about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

       8.  A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a 
miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips;
"Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur 
coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol 
patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

       9.  No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

      10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't
think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find 
yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA