NP Fw: Refrain Audacious Tar Your Suit From Pressing....

[davemarc]

This priceless parody comes from VICTORIA, the Victorian Era mailing list. 
Ask if you've got questions; Xena and Gabrielle are heroine and sidekick on
an action-adventure show....

> > Ya just gotta love this; it appeared on ANSAXNET, thus ending a silly
> > discussion on whether pre-Christian Anglo-Saxons were mysogynists or
> > not.
> > 
> > [This is dedicated to Hayden Ward...]
> > 
> > "Heroine Barbarian" by Kevin Wald
> > 
> > >> [We join our operetta already in progress. The infamous Pirates of
Pergamum
> > >> have just seized a bevy of beautiful Mytilenean maidens, and are
attempting
> > >> to carry them off for matrimonial purposes. Gabrielle intervenes,
with a
> > >> recitative (well, it's better than a pan flute solo):]
> > >>
> > >> Gabrielle: Hold, scoundrels! Ere ye practice acts of villainy
> > >>               Upon the peaceful and agrarian,
> > >>            Just bear in mind, these maidens of My-TIL-ene[1]
> > >>               Are guarded by a buff barbarian!
> > >>
> > >> Pirates: We'd better all rethink our cunning plan;
> > >>          They're guarded by a buff barbarian.
> > >>
> > >> Maidens: Yes, yes, she is a buff barbarian.
> > >>
> > >> [Xena leaps in from the wings, with a tremendous war cry, does a
mid-air
> > >> somersault, and lands on her feet on the Pirate King's chest.]
> > >>
> > >> Xena: Yes, yes, I am a buff barbarian! [The orchestra starts up.]
> > >>
> > >>     I am the very model of a heroine barbarian;
> > >>     Through Herculean efforts, I've become humanitarian.
> > >>     I ride throughout the hinterland -- at least that's what they
call it in
> > >>     Those sissy towns like Athens (I, myself, am Amphipolitan).
> > >>     I travel with a poet who is perky and parthenian[2]
> > >>     And scribbles her hexameters in Linear Mycenian[3]
> > >>     (And many have attempted, by a host of methods mystical,
> > >>     To tell if our relationship's sororal or sapphistical).
> > >>
> > >> Chorus: To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
> > >>         To tell if their relationship's sororal or sapphistical!
> > >>         To tell if their relationship's sororal or
sapphisti-phistical!
> > >>
> > >> Xena: My armory is brazen, but my weapons are ironical;
> > >>     My sword is rather phallic, but my chakram's rather yonical[4]
> > >>     (To find out what that means, you'll have to study
Indo-Aryan[5]).
> > >>     I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
> > >>
> > >> Chorus: To find out what that means, we'll have to study Indo-Aryan
--
> > >>         She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
> > >>
> > >> Xena: I wake up every morning, ere the dawn is rhododactylous[6]
> > >>     (Who needs to wait for daylight? I just work by _sensus
tactilis_[7].)
> > >>     And ride into the sunrise to protect some local villagers
> > >>     From mythologic monsters or from all-too-human pillagers.
> > >>     I hurtle towards each villain with a recklessness ebullient
> > >>     And cow him with my swordwork and my alalaes ululient[8];
> > >>     He's frightened for his head, because he knows I'm gonna whack
it -- he's
> > >>     Aware that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
> > >>
> > >> [The music crashes to a halt, as the Chorus stares at Xena in utter
> > >> confusion. She sighs.] It's *Greek*. It means "Warrior Princess"!
> > >> [Light dawns on the Chorus, and the music resumes.] Sheesh . . .
> > >>
> > >> Chorus: He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
> > >>         He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhetes_!
> > >>         He knows that his opponent is the _Basileia Makhe-makhetes_,
> > >>
> > >> Xena: Because I've got my armor, which is really rather silly, on
> > >>     (It's cut so low I feel like I'm the topless tow'rs of Ilion,
> > >>     And isn't any use against attackers sagittarian[9]).
> > >>     I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
> > >>
> > >> Chorus: It isn't any use against attackers sagittarian --
> > >>         She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
> > >>
> > >> Xena: In short, when I can tell you how I break the laws of gravity,
> > >>     And why my togs expose my intermammary concavity,
> > >>     And why my comrade changed her dress from one that fit more
comfily
> > >>     To one that shows her omphalos[10] (as cute as that of
Omphale[11]),
> > >>     And why the tale of Spartacus appears in Homer's versicon[12],
> > >>     [She holds up a tomato:]
> > >>     And where we found examples of the genus _Lycopersicon_[13],
> > >>     And why this Grecian scenery looks more like the Antipodes,
> > >>     You'll say I'm twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
> > >>
> > >> Chorus: We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
> > >>         We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripides!
> > >>         We'll say she's twice the heroine of any in Euripi-ripides!
> > >>
> > >> Xena: But though the kinked chronology, confusing and chimerical
> > >>     (It's often unhistorical, but rarely unhysterical),
> > >>     Would give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian,
> > >>     I am the very model of a heroine barbarian!
> > >>
> > >> Chorus: 'Twould give a massive heart attack to any antiquarian --
> > >>         She is the very model of a heroine barbarian!
> > >>
> > >> [As the orchestra plays the final chords, a wild Xenaesque melee
ensues,
> > >> and the curtain has to be brought down.]
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Notes:
> > >>
> > >> [1] Actually, "Mytilene" would properly be accented on the third
syllable;
> > >>     Gabrielle always did have trouble with rhymes. (Mytilene,
incidentally,
> > >>     is a city on the isle of Lesbos -- the hometown of the poet
Sappho, as
> > >>     a matter of fact. It is not clear what, if anything, Gilbert is
trying
> > >>     to imply here.)
> > >>
> > >> [2] parthenian: virginal.
> > >>
> > >> [3] Linear Mycenian: Mycenian is the ancient dialect of Greek which
was
> > >>     written in Linear B (a form of Greek writing that predates the
adoption
> > >>     of the alphabet). The implication is that Gabrielle does her
writing
> > >>     in Linear B; if _Xena_ takes place around the time of the Trojan
war,
> > >>     this is chronologically reasonable.
> > >>
> > >> [4] yonical: "Yonic" is the female counterpart to "phallic".
> > >>
> > >> [5] Indo-Aryan: The language group consisting of Sanskrit and its
close
> > >>     relatives. Both "chakram" and "yonic" are of Sanskrit
derivation.
> > >>
> > >> [6] rhododactylous: rosy-fingered. (Homer makes frequent reference
to
> > >>     _rhododaktulos eos_ -- "rosy-fingered dawn".)
> > >>
> > >> [7] _sensus tactilis_: Latin for "the sense of touch".
> > >>
> > >> [8] "Alalaes" are war-cries (the Greeks spelled a Xena-like war cry
as
> > >>     _alala_ or _alale_) and "ululient" is a coined term, apparently
> > >>     meaning "characterized by ululation".
> > >>
> > >> [9] sagittarian: archer-like.
> > >>
> > >> [10] omphalos: belly-button.
> > >>
> > >> [11] Omphale: Legendary queen of Lydia. From context, we must assume
> > >>     that she had a cute belly-button; however, no known classical
source
> > >>     seems to address this vital issue.
> > >>
> > >> [12] versicon: a coined term, apparently meaning "collection of
verse".
> > >>
> > >> [13] _Lycopersicon_: the biological genus to which tomatoes are
assigned.
> > >>     (The tomato is a New World plant, and was entirely unknown in
the
> > >>     Old World in pre-Columbian times. Thus, having tomatoes in a
_Xena_ish
> > >>     context is an even greater anachronism than having Homer tell
the tale
> > >>     of Spartacus.)
> >