Fwd: whale-mail
David Casseres
casseres at apple.com
Fri Mar 21 11:07:18 CST 1997
Subject: whale-mail
Sent: 3/20/97 19:56
Received: 3/20/97 21:05
From: Jim Propp, propp at math.mit.edu
To: silent-tristero at world.std.com
"Call me Ishmael. Some years ago --- never mind how long precisely ---
having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest
me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery
part of the world. It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and
regulating the circulation. Whenever I find myself growing grim about
the mouth; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin
warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and
especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it
requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately
stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people's hats off
--- then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can. This
is my substitute for pistol and ball. With a philosophical flourish
Cato throws himself upon his sword; I quietly take to the ship. There
is nothing surprising in this. If they but knew it, almost all men in
their degree, some time or other, cherish very nearly the same feelings
towards the ocean with me."
How many times have you meant to sit down and actually read these words,
and the many thousands that follow? And how many times have you nodded
knowingly when people discuss "Moby Dick", hoping no one will catch on
to the fact that you haven't actually read it? Because (let's face it):
you don't have time to read books. Time for email, sure; two or three
hours a day of it. But literature? "Gimme a break," you say.
"There now is your insular city of the Manhattoes belted round by
wharves as Indian isles by coral reefs --- commerce surrounds it with
her surf. Right and left, the streets take you waterward. Its extreme
downtown is the battery, where that noble mole is washed by waves, and
cooled by breezes, which a few hours previous were out of sight of land.
Look at the crowds of water-gazers there."
Well, we're here to _give_ you that break you've been waiting for. With
our "whale-mail" program, every single item of email you receive will be
interspersed with some of the English language's most famous prose,
delivered in easily-digested paragraph-sized chunks! Tone up that flabby
sensibility of yours with some of the arresting images of literary
heavyweight Herman Melville and soon you'll find your prose style
acquiring an archaic yet muscular sheen of its own.
"Circumambulate the city of a dreamy Sabbatch afternoon. Go from
Corlears
Hook to Coenties Slip, and from thence, by Whitehall, northward. What do
you see? --- Posted like silent sentinels all around the town, stand
thousands upon thousands of mortal men fixed in ocean reveries. Some
leaning against the spiles; some seated upon the pier-heads; some looking
over the bulwarks of ships from China; some high aloft in the rigging,
as
if striving to get a still better seaward peep. But these are all
landsmen; of week days pent up in lath and plaster --- tied to counters,
nailed to benches, clinched to desks. How then is this? Are the green
fields gone? What do they here?"
But we're not just talking "Moby Dick". We have hundreds of titles, to
suit every liteary taste; just spend a few weeks intermittently immersed
in, say, the fictional worlds of Flaubert and Proust, and you'll be
copping
_apercus_ with the best of 'em. We have new titles coming in every day,
and each one is a book that, in just a few month's time, you could be
truthfully claiming to have read --- without having ever having had to
exert any active effort! Your ingrained habit of reading email will take
care of everything. The only initiative you need to take is ordering
your personal copy of the program, customized to meet your requirements.
...
"But as the last whelmings intermixingly poured themselves over the
sunken head of the Indian at the mainmast, leaving a few inches of
the erect spar yet visible, together with long streaming yards of
the flag, which calmly undulated, with ironical coincidings, over
the destroying billows they almost touched; --- at that instant,
a red arm and a hammer hovered backwardly uplifted in the open air,
in the act of nailing the flag faster and yet faster to the subsiding
spar. A sky-hawk that tauntingly had followed the main-truck
downwards from its natural home among the stars, pecking at the
flag, and incommoding Tashtego there; this bird now chanced to
intercept its broad fluttering wing between the hammer and the
wood; and simultaneously feeling that etherial thrill, the
submerged savage beneath, in his death-gasp, kept his hammer frozen
there; and so the bird of heaven, with archangelic shrieks, and
his imperial beak thrust upwards, and his whole captive form
folded in the flag of Ahab, went down with his ship, which, like
Satan, would not sink to hell till she had dragged a living part
of heaven along with her, and helmeted herself with it."
For only $24.99, whale-mail can be yours! Just imagine how good you'll
feel as that boat finally sinks into the ocean, or that woman throws
herself under that train, and you can say goodbye to all your fears of
being thought an illiterate boob. Order now!
"Now small fowls flew screaming over the yet yawning gulf; a sullen
white surf beat against its steep sides; then all collapsed, and the
great shroud of the sea rolled on as it rolled five thousand years
ago."
--- Jim Propp (who still hasn't read Moby Dick;
based on a concept by David Feldman)
Cheers,
David
More information about the Pynchon-l
mailing list