Playlist addition: The original disgusting English Candy Drill

[Bernier, Jeannie]

Courtesy of www.montypython.net:

Inspector: 'ELLO! 
Mr. Hilton: 'Ello. 
Inspector: Mr. 'ilton? 
Hilton: A-yes? 
Inspector: You are the sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate
Company? 
Mr. Hilton: I am, yes. 
Inspector: Constable Clitoris and I are from the 'ygiene squad, and we'd
like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the
'Whizzo Quality Assortment'. 
Mr. Hilton: Oh, yes. 
Inspector: If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry
Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty. (pause) But we can't prosecute you for
that. 
Mr. Hilton: Ah, agreed. 
Inspector: Then we have number four. Number four: Crunchy Frog. 
Mr. Hilton: Yes. 
Inspector: Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in 'ere? 
Mr. Hilton: Yes, a little one. 
Inspector: What sort of frog? 
Mr. Hilton: A...a *dead* frog. 
Inspector: Is it cooked? 
Mr. Hilton: No. 
Inspector: What, a RAW frog?!? 
Mr. Hilton: Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from
Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and
sealed in a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate
envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose. 
Inspector: That's as may be, but it's still a frog! 
Mr. Hilton: What else? 
Inspector: Well, don't you even take the bones out? 
Mr. Hilton: If we took the bones out, it wouldn't be crunchy, would it?
Inspector: Constable Clitoris et one of those!! We have to protect the
public! 
Constable: Uh, would you excuse me a moment, Sir? (exits) 
Inspector: We have to protect the public! People aren't going to think
there's a real frog in chocolate! Constable Clitoris thought it was an
almond whirl! They're bound to expect some sort of mock frog! 
Mr. Hilton: (outraged) MOCK frog!?! We use NO artificial additives or
preservatives of ANY kind! 
Inspector: Nevertheless, I advise you in future to replace the words
'Crunchy Frog' with the legend, 'Crunchy, Raw, Unboned Real Dead Frog' if
you wish to avoid prosecution! 
Mr. Hilton: What about our sales? 
Inspector: FUCK your sales! We've got to protect the public! Now what about
this one, number five, it was number five, wasn't it? Number five: Ram's
Bladder Cup. (beat) Now, what sort of confectionery is that? 
Mr. Hilton: Oh, we use only the finest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish Ram's
bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a
fondue, and garnished with lark's vomit. 
Inspector: LARK'S VOMIT?!?!? 
Mr. Hilton: Correct. 
Inspector: It doesn't say anything here about lark's vomit! 
Mr. Hilton: Ah, it does, on the bottom of the box, after 'monosodium
glutamate'. 
Inspector: I hardly think that's good enough! I think it's be more
appropriate if the box bore a great red label: 'WARNING: LARK'S VOMIT!!!' 
Mr. Hilton: Our sales would plummet! 
Inspector: (screaming) Well why don't you move into more conventional areas
of confectionary??!! 
(the constable returns) 
Inspector: Like Praline, or, or Lime Creme, a very popular flavor, I'm lead
to understand. Or Raspberry Delite. I mean, what's this one, what's this
one? 'Ere we are: Cockroach Cluster!  -- Anthrax Ripple! 
Constable: MMMMWWWAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!! (Throws up in helmet) 
Inspector: (continuing) And what is this one: Spring Surprise? 
Mr. Hilton: Ah, that's one of our specialities. Covered in dark, velvety
chocolate, when you pop it into your mouth, stainless steel bolts spring out
and plunge straight through both cheeks. 
Inspector: (stunned) Well where's the pleasure in THAT?!? If people pop a
nice little chockie into their mouth, they don't expect to get their cheeks
pierced!!! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I
shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station. 
Mr. Hilton: (shrugging) It's a fair cop. 
Inspector: And DON'T talk to the audience.