NP can't resist passing this along

[Doug Millison]

>Some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster.
>
>The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an
>unidentified object. However, sonar tapes that recorded the blasts (a
>small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt
>on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked
>that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the
>accident occurred.
>It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.
>While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage
>crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine, which
>contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion.
>As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes.
>It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to load Microsoft
>Windows on their fire control computer. Their intent was to replace the aging
>CP/M operating system with the flashier Windows OS. Apparently, the Russians
>didn't know about the legendary instability problems exhibited by
>Windows.
>The log tapes make this painfully obvious:
>
>Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet Comrade?
>
>Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card.
>
>Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies
>          into oblivion.
>
>[Laughter in background]
>
>Seaman: Comrade Captain! It is booting! Look, it says 'Preparing to run
>         Windows for the first time'.
>
>[Long pause]
>
>Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time.
>
>Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir.
>
>[Another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware. A CD-ROM
>         drive and that it needs drivers.
>
>Captain: Where are the drivers?
>
>Seaman: On the CD-ROM.
>
>Captain: You are joking, no?
>
>Seaman: No Sir.
>
>Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this
>          Windows.
>
>[Another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is
>         looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk?
>
>Captain: I do not think so.
>
>Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers.
>
>[Another long pause]
>
>  Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again.
>
>  Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking
>           forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works.
>
>[Another long pause]
>
>Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything!
>
>Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles?
>
>Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready.
>
>Captain: Good work comrade. Now click on the fire control icon and let
>          us see how this works.
>
>Seaman: Clicking now, Sir.
>
>[Another long pause]
>
>Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it?
>
>Seaman: I have no idea Sir.
>
>Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus,
>         Fire a Torpedo...
>
>Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir.
>
>[Another long pause]
>
>Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready.
>
>Captain: Torpedo room; load a torpedo in tube number 1!
>
>Intercom: This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir.
>
>Captain: Click on the continue button.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir.
>
>[Another long pause]
>
>Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir.
>
>Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink.
>
>Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire.
>
>Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready comrade.
>
>Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir.
>
>[Another really long pause] Captain: Well?
>
>Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute....
>
>[A loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on
>intercom]
>
>Captain: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
>
>Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! Outlook Express Fire Control
>         has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click
>        'OK' to continue.
>
>Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do?
>
>Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down!
>
>Seaman: It is not responding Sir!
>
>Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'!
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I
>         am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control.
>
>[Another long pause]
>
>Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding.
>
>Captain: Well no sh*t. Tell it to 'end task'.
>
>Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir.
>
>Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again.
>
>Seaman: Aye Sir.
>
>[Sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.]
>
>Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen!
>
>Captain: Holy Sh*t! Not the blue screen of dea....
>
>[KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing
>water.]
>  ------------------------------------------------
>
>The tape ends at this point.
>
>During the weeklong rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in
>the form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged
>sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the
>
>last of their strength tapping out "windows sucks" in Morse code. The tapes
>of the last moments of the Kursk may offer some insight into this........
>
>
>A spokesperson for Microsoft said today;
>"The problem with the exploding torpedo has been fixed in the next Beta
>release #15B of Windows 2004 Microsoft announced today. It is unfortunate
>that the Russians had problems with the "exploding torpedo bug"  but as the
>Microsoft license agreement clearly spells out [in 27 languages, including
>Russian] in regard to Beta software "shit happens"..
>>
>