NP: London in 2007

[Nick Halliwell]

See below for my (daft) ha'porth.

 

Nick

 

-----Original Message-----
From: owner-pynchon-l at waste.org [mailto:owner-pynchon-l at waste.org] On Behalf
Of Joe Allonby
Sent: 21 December 2006 18:27
To: Tim Strzechowski
Cc: Pynchon-L
Subject: Re: NP: London in 2007

 

I have some questions.

 

Don't we all? 

 

Why are London subway (Tube, Underground, whatever you call it) so fricking
small? I felt like my shoulders were going to punch through the sloped
ceiling.

 

As a result of all that hiding from bombs during World War II (V1s, V2s,
regular bombs, I believe Gravity's Rainbow deals with this), all Londoners
walk with a permanent stoop. Oh and the London Underground system was built
in the 19th century and everyone was smaller then and we had an Empire on
which the sun would never set (a metaphor asking for trouble given that, as
a general rule, the sun WILL insist on setting). I think they're still using
the same trains - both of 'em. That's why it's so expensive: you're paying
for heritage as well as locomotion. 

 

In contrast, why are the taxicabs so gigantic? Truly colossal crossed with
staggeringly huge is the concept I'm trying to get across here. The taxi
drivers seem to have phd's in local geography. My companion described the
interior of a pub that she had been in once to a cabbie. He took us right
there. Impressive. 

 

Because the cabbies have large families who live in the cabs (come on, have
you ever seen any of them open the boot?) Actually the thing about London
cabbies and their encyclopaedic knowledge of the capital is true. In order
to drive a licensed black cab (yes Joe, that's the big ones), prospective
drivers actually have to pass a test called "The Knowledge
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Knowledge#The_Knowledge> ". And given the
sheer area covered by London (most European cities build upwards, we build
outwards, I mean, who wants all those fields anyway, just build a couple of
parks and that'll cover it.) this is one hell of a test. 

 

Why does all the music suck? Seriously. On this side of the pond, we hear
great British music all the time. Apparently, English people don't listen to
it. Every club, pub, and radio station seems to play either horrible house
music or the worst prepackaged pretty people pop imaginable. 

 

This is how great music is often made. People get so fed up with hearing the
pre-packaged pretty people pop (nice alliteration!) you mention that they go
off and make a horrible racket of their own. I'm all in favour of the
horrible racket, myself. 

 

What the hell is in this absinthe shit? It's great! Your hashish on the
other hand does absolutely nothing.

 

Absinthe is often associated with French Romantic poets such as Verlaine
(Paul, not Tom) and Rimbaud. I think the stuff sold nowadays is fairly mild
by comparison. i.e. it blows your head off but will often leave it rolling
around the same room as opposed to the 19th century stuff which blew it over
the Alps into Switzerland. I don't think we actually produce a great deal of
hashish as we don't really have the climate for it. Bit of grass here and
there, but mostly we import. If you are not completely satisfied you should
contact your local Trading Standards office. 

 

Royal family? Huh? Why are these people on the payroll? On the other hand it
might be a usefull way of neutralizing ambitious morons. If only George Bush
or Ronald Reagan had just been King, with no real power whatsoever, things
would be better. We could dress them up and send them to parties and stuff
and be all proud of them. Then they couldn't actually do anything. If you're
going to have a bullshit figurehead, why not go for broke? Another day,
another cavalcade of bullshit. I think I've answered my own question. It
sounds like a great idea. 

 

Woah. hang on just a moment there. Are you saying George W. Bush isn't your
King? You've given a bloke like that actual EXECUTIVE power? But no, that
can't be right. his father was King, wasn't he? And isn't his brother Prince
of Florida or somewhere? Sounds pretty much the same to me. 

 

Hand-pumped bitters are among the best beers in the world. Why are the young
people drinking Budweiser?

 

Please feel free to take the Budweiser back home with you when you go. Oh
and tell them to stop making those bloody irritating adverts. But you're
right, you can't beat a really good bitter, especially local ones made by
small breweries. But I'm probably prejudiced as my father was born on
licensed premises (he often remarks that he has rarely left since then) in
Burton-On-Trent, a town built on beer - well, not literally, obviously, or
it'd require a hell of a lot of yeast to stop it sinking - and his forebears
were coopers. So my blood is actually 22.5% bitter. Oh all right, it's 100%
bitter. I'm a bitter man. 

 

And what's with this freehouse vs proprietary pub thing? Which one is really
the politically correct establishment to frequent? Am I not supporting the
unions if I avoid the brewery-owned pubs in favor of the independent small
businessmen of the free house? I'm confused. To cover my bases, I tried to
hit them all. 

 

Very wise of you. But no unions are involved to any great extent either way.
Freehouses sometimes have a more interesting selection of beers because
they're not tied to a particular brewery. On the whole I'd suggest
supporting them or they'll simply disappear and you'll no longer have the
choice. 

 

You can actually buy things larger than a newspaper with coins? And get
change back?

 

You can if you order them over the Internet from the US at the moment, yes. 

 

The beer's great, but what's up with the food?

 

What are you, French? 

 

Do you know where I can get a bottle of Glenmorangie Millennium Malt?

 

Yes, try Scotland, they should still have some left. As with so many things,
Scotch whisky ("whiskey" is the Irish variety) is a very personal thing. My
own favourite single malt is Ardbeg, especially the old kind (I've still got
a little of a 17-year-old I bought a few years back, rumoured actually to be
considerably older when I bought it). But yes, I'm fond of a dram of
Laphroaig too, Talisker (from the Isle of Skye), Caol Ila. I suppose I
generally prefer the Islay malts but I have a reasonable collection from
various parts of Scotland and her islands. 

 

Why can't I buy a turkey?

 

Because it's Christmas and they've all gone. 

 

I'm sure that I'll have more.

 

I'm sure you will. 

 



 

 

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