Blow Up...IV

[Bled Welder]

Well so anyway, I don't want her to die.  But it's going to happen.  We
don't need the Oracle to link us in to this--you can see her, launching up
the stairs carrying a pup, and she misses her step, and she tumbles
backward.

What I say to her is, coming round to this way of thinking, in the recent
past I've come round to thinking that, as ludicrous as the proposition is,
consciousness might live on.

Don't, Mr. Mackin, try to follow me with logic here.

I was trying to get at her carelesness, and I was saying to her you just,
you just, it's because you believe you a moving on?  And then I spilled it,
life long militant atheist over here, I said you know--I was trying to be
delicate, she's near-death and we've never spoken as much--I've been of a
recent notion that something, it's weird that, this whole consciousness,
bit....

She turned off.  She said "No".

I was shocked and awed by this.

And then it struck me.  She, does she, is it possible, she *wants* to die?



On Sat, Sep 29, 2012 at 9:24 PM, Bled Welder <bledwelder at gmail.com> wrote:

> I came around.  I'm here now.  The woman just had back surgery.  It was
> good, you know I just read Kris's post and it's got me wondering, I think
> this is true, this lady, her husband, flew choppers in Nam, he died in his
> sleep one night, and she got his health insurance, and you know there are
> some decent hospitals around here, and she got the best one, and the best
> doctor therein, and so now she's in a brace.  She says the pain is
> receding.  When she always said how in pain she was in, I believed her.  I
> always believe people's pain.  Always.  When Wallace hung himself--I
> believe his pain.  It wasn't an infinity of intellectualism--the man was in
> severe pain.
>
> So we're out of the hospital now, we're feeling good.  But she's still
> carrying the pups around the house.  This house, I suppose I might have
> said this eight hours ago, it's multi-level.  I just counted.  There is
> four levels here.
>
> So I'm talking about death.  I breach this issue, which, in our lives,
> it's true, we've never spoken.  About.  Know a person for seven thousand
> years, and never talk about death.  Right?
>
> On Sat, Sep 29, 2012 at 8:57 PM, Bled Welder <bledwelder at gmail.com> wrote:
>
>> I'm trying, did I just do that, it's not that, not that, not, no, I've
>> told myself that I'm going to stop using the word fuck, and I see it's
>> manifested itself a couppla times down below.
>>
>> I'm going to relay my experience now without being clever or brilliant,
>> which is my standard.  I just have to get this the fuck out.
>>
>> I, think that, the entire nature of the, of this, what happened, is so
>> extreme in it's sheer, you just laugh and go that's fucking brilliant, that
>> I may, humble me, you know me, I'm a very casual, modest specimen, I may
>> not be up to the task of describing this--I *could*, but it would take
>> time, and effort: two things I'm not over-apped with.
>>
>> I have to just say this fast and simple.  I was talking to an old person,
>> she happens to be in a situation where she's important.  I had always
>> believed that she is terrified of dying--because we all are.  Shiva will
>> tell you that it's genes--and L.Susskind will tell you that biology is
>> physics.  And I was saying to her--she has this whole insane thing where
>> she has major back/spinal/nerve disturbances but yet she keeps carrying her
>> most adorable pups around the house.  I say "pups" because they're
>> gorgeous.  They're dogs.  And oh, fuck-all if they can't maneuver the house
>> on their own, right?
>>
>>
>>
>> On Sat, Sep 29, 2012 at 8:22 PM, Bled Welder <bledwelder at gmail.com>wrote:
>>
>>> You're right, Michael.  He wanted it.  If he could have jammed his head
>>> into the Sun, he would have.  What's in the Sun, do you know?  What are
>>> those black spots?  It's almost like...hmm, fuck it.
>>>
>>> I just had the strangest goddam experience.  And because I'm a lonely
>>> --wait, goddam, I have *everything to say*.  I can actually say fucking
>>> anything and everything.
>>>
>>> What is going on here?
>>>
>>> But on about what just happened to me....
>>>
>>> Ah, remind me!  It's regarding dearth and dying...!
>>>
>>> On Sat, Sep 29, 2012 at 6:56 PM, Michael Bailey <
>>> michael.lee.bailey at gmail.com> wrote:
>>>
>>>>  Ian Livingston  wrote:
>>>> > Wallace died of depression, not enlightenment.
>>>> >
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> mr wallace was on the weirdly named "nardil" (reminds me of Narda,
>>>> Mandrake the Magician's love interest) for years and - according to
>>>> the accounts i've read - it had stopped working for him.
>>>>
>>>> his psychiatrist sent him for ect -- i believe i've read that he
>>>> requested it, though can't immediately cite anything besides some
>>>> passages in ij that seem to show that this (shock therapy) was an idea
>>>> that had appealed to him as a way to shut off unhappy thoughts...a
>>>> radical fix...it's advertised as "a jump start for the endorphins" and
>>>> is quite a profit center for its practitioners
>>>>
>>>> like Hemingway, he was unable to write after the treatment...like
>>>> nearly everybody who undergoes it, he likely suffered memory loss,
>>>> which would be especially rough for a writer...
>>>>
>>>> inability to write exacerbated his depression...
>>>>
>>>> had he lived longer, it's likely at least some of his abilities would
>>>> have returned (see Roky Erickson)
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> sure, check nami.org, they love ect -- but for a different viewpoint
>>>> that cleaves  (imho) closer to the truth, please see ect.org
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> --
>>>> - where the bee sucks, there suck I
>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>
>
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