Paracultural Calendar for April 3

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in *1783*, the governments of Sweden and the United States sign
a treaty of Amity and Commerce. Chaos ensues.

***

On this day in *1860*, the Pony Express mail service begins with *Henry
Wallace* riding west from Missouri, and *John Roff* riding east from
Sacramento, California. Wallace ends up beating Roff by two days in their
criss-crossy race, which spans eighteen hundred miles, and the entire
nation's imagination is captured... for about a year and a half. But even
though the Pony Express Company folded in October of 1861, its very
existence helped inspire the creation of the federal mail service which, to
this day, continues such proud traditions as stealing cash from our
birthday cards and fomenting disgruntlement amongst the psychopathic loners
in their employ.

***

On this day in *1868*, some crazy Hawaiian fucker surfs a fifty foot tidal
wave, the biggest wave ever ridden by a surfer who survived.

***

On this day in *1888*, the first of eleven unsolved brutal murders of women
committed in or near the impoverished Whitechapel district in the East End
of London, occurs.

***

On this day in *1895*, the trial in the libel case brought by *Oscar
Wilde* begins,
eventually resulting in his imprisonment on charges of homosexuality.

***

On this day in *1922*, *Joseph Stalin* becomes the first General Secretary
of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.

***

On this day, in the year *1930*, the man formerly known as *Ras Tafari*
 becomes *Haile Selassie* - the Lion of Judah - Emperor of Ethiopia. So put
on a Bob Marley CD, light up a fat one, and get to jammin... Ja mon!

***

On this day in *1936*, *Bruno Richard Hauptmann* is executed for the
kidnapping and death of *Charles Augustus Lindbergh, Jr.*, the baby son of
pilot *Charles Lindbergh*.

***

On this day in *1948*, President *Harry S. Truman* signs the Marshall Plan,
authorizing $5 billion in aid for 16 countries.

***

After Triangle Publications bought up all the biggest regional television
listings magazines in America - publications such as *TV List*, *TV
Forecast*, *TV Digest*, *Television Guide*, *TV God* and *The Idiot Box
Times* - the very first issue of *TV Guide* is published, nationwide, on
this day in *1953*. This is back in the day when we all still loved Lucy.

***

On this day in *1955*, the *American Civil Liberties Union* announces it
will defend *Allen Ginsberg*'s book Howl against obscenity charges.

***

On this day in *1968*, civil rights champion *Martin Luther King Jr.* *predicts
his own demise <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martin_Luther_King_Jr.> *during
the Mountaintop Speech. He would be dead, gunned down while chatting with
well-wishers from a Memphis hotel balcony, within 24 hours. His killers
have yet to be brought to justice.

***

On this day in *1981*, the *Osborne 1*, the first successful portable
computer, is unveiled at the West Coast Computer Faire in San Francisco.

***

On this day in *1988*, Pittsburgh Penguin *Mario Lemieux* wins the NHL
scoring title, putting an end to *Wayne Gretzky*'s remarkable seven year
streak, which causes the so-called "Great One" to cry like a
freshly-spanked baby.

***

On this day in *1996*, after an 18-year reign of Luddite terror during
which he killed 3 and maimed 29, *Ted "the Unabomber" Kaczynski* is
arrested at his tiny cabin in the Montana wilderness. He was turned in by
his brother, who always was a whiny little snitch. On that very same day,
an Air Force 737 carrying Clinton administration Commerce Secretary *Ron
Brown* flies into a mountain in Croatia. All 35 passengers and crew perish
in the crash, sparking a flurry of *conspiracy theories*
<http://www.rotten.com/library/bio/usa/ron-brown/>, of both the Negro and
conservative variety, that make a whole helluva lot less sense than even
the craziest theories about what really happened on 9/11.

***

On this day in *2004*, Islamic terrorists involved in the 11 March 2004
Madrid attacks are trapped by the police in their apartment and kill
themselves.

***

On this day in *2008*, Texas law enforcement cordons off the FLDS's YFZ
Ranch. Eventually 533 women and children will be removed and taken into
state custody. This one goes a lot better than the one at Mount Carmel with
the Branch Davidians. No kills at all!
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