Paracultural Calendar for April 5

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in the year *2348 B.C.*, *Noah*'s ark runs aground on Mount
Ararat.

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On this day in *1242*, during a battle on the ice of Lake Peipus, Russian
forces, led by *Alexander Nevsky*, rebuff an invasion attempt by the *Teutonic
Knights*.

***

On this day in *1614*, in Virginia, Native American *Pocahontas* marries
English colonist *John Rolfe*.

***

On this day in *1621*, the *Mayflower* sails from Plymouth on a return trip
to England, taking back all the pathetic pussies who couldn't hack life in
the New World.

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On this day in *1722*, the Dutch explorer *Jacob Roggeveen* discovers
Easter Island.

***

On this day in the year *1770*, British troops kill five and wound several
more after a sentry guard is taunted and pelted with snowballs at the
Boston customs building. This event – now called the *Boston Massacre* –
was instrumental in achieving popular support for the American Revolution.

***

On this day in *1900*, archaeologists in Knossos, Crete, discover a large
cache of clay tablets with hieroglyphic writing in a script they call *Linear
B*.

***

On this day in *1922*, the *American Birth Control League*, forerunner
of *Planned
Parenthood*, is incorporated.

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On this day in *1933*, U.S. President *Franklin D. Roosevelt* signs two
executive orders: 6101 to establish the Civilian Conservation Corps, and
6102 "forbidding the Hoarding of Gold Coin, Gold Bullion, and Gold
Certificates" by U.S. citizens.

***

On this day in *1949*, *Fireside Theater* debuts on television.

***

On this day in *1951*, *Ethel and Julius Rosenberg* are sentenced to death
for spying for the Soviet Union.

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On this day in *1958*, Ripple Rock, an underwater threat to navigation in
the Seymour Narrows in Canada is destroyed in one of the largest
non-nuclear controlled explosions of the time.

***

On this day in *1974*, the World Trade Center first opens its doors. At the
time, its Twin Towers were the world's tallest buildings… 110 stories high.

***

On this day in *1976*, in the People's Republic of China, the April Fifth
Movement leads to the *Tiananmen* incident.

***

On this day in *1987*, upstart network *FOX TV* fires up its first night of
programming, showcasing the proudly stupid sitcom *Married With Children*,
and the proudly brainy sketchcom, *The Tracey Ullman Show*. Guess which one
survived the longest? You know it, dumbass.

***

On this day in *1992*, *Alberto Fujimori*, president of Peru, dissolves the
Peruvian congress by military force.

***

On this day in *1992*, the Siege of Sarajevo begins when Serb
paramilitaries murder peace protesters *Suada Dilberovic* and *Olga Sučić* on
the Vrbanja Bridge.

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On this day in *1994*, *Kurt Cobain* decides it's better to burn out than
to fade away. Either that, or Courtney paid someone to kill him. At least,
that's what her dad says.

***

On this day in *1999*, two Libyans suspected of bringing down Pan Am flight
103 in 1988 are handed over for eventual trial in the Netherlands.

***

On this day in *2009*, North Korea launches its controversial
Kwangmyŏngsŏng-2 rocket. The satellite passed over mainland Japan, which
prompted an immediate reaction from the United Nations Security Council, as
well as participating states of Six-party talks.
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