Paracultural Calendar for April 12

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in *1638*, the Roman Catholic legal body known as the
*Inquisition* begins its trial of *Galileo Galilei*. The famed scientist
and astronomer was charged on suspicion of heresy, and was ultimately found
“vehemently suspect” of holding the opinion that - contrary to Holy
Scripture - the Sun, and not the Earth, is at the center of the Universe.
By the end of his trial, Galileo was sentenced to imprisonment “at the
pleasure of the Inquisition”… and a great deal of pleasure did the
religious authorities of the day derive from their victory over that
arrogant upstart, the Scientific Method, you can be sure. Galileo’s works
were gathered up and destroyed, and further publications were forbidden. He
was held under house arrest for the rest of his natural life, during which
time he wrote one of his most important works: Two New Sciences.
Fortunately, Galileo was allowed a certain degree of freedom during this
time, and was allowed to have visitors. Two of these visitors were the
world-historic philosophers *Thomas “Leviathan” Hobbes* and *Rene “Cogito
Ergo Sum” Descartes*.

***

On this day in *1861*, the first shot of the American Civil War is fired by
a Confederate soldier in the general direction of Fort Sumter, in the
harbor of Charleston, South Carolina. By the time the last shot of the war
is fired, more Americans will have died in that conflict than in *World War
I*, *World War II*, the *Korean Conflict* and *Vietnam*… COMBINED. It was a
goddamn bloodbath.

***

On this day in *1945*, at 3:35 in the afternoon, during the fourth month of
his fourth term in office, President *Franklin Delano Roosevelt* dies of a
massive cerebral hemorrhage at the age of 63. His vice president, *Harry
Truman*, assumes the Presidency later that same day.

***

On this day in *1961*, Soviet cosmonaut *Yuri Gagarin* becomes the first
human being to travel into outer space and perform the first manned orbital
flight. From agrarian peasant feudalism to the loftiest heights of
scientific achievement in a mere three generations? Way to go, you
communist Rooskie bastards!

***

On this day in *1968*, the *Skull Valley Sheep Kill* takes place. A rancher
came upon a startling scene when he went to check on his herds of sheep.
Six thousand of the fluffy white creatures, which had been grazing
peaceably on a piece of property in Utah, all mysteriously and
simultaneously dropped dead for some reason. That reason most likely had
something to do with their neighbors, the military’s Dugway Proving Ground,
where locals had always suspected chemical weapons were tested, despite the
government’s absolute and implacable silence on the issue. In fact,
government silence on the topic was so complete and so long-lasting that
it wasn't until three *decades* after the incident that a Defense
Department report was made public, revealing that *of course* the animals
were killed by a leak of deadly *VX nerve gas*, and *of course* the
military knew all about it, for fuck’s sake.

***

On this day in *1994*, the first massive commercial Usenet SPAM message is
posted by the husband-and-wife lawyer team of *Laurence Canter* and *Martha
Siegel*. The couple splash their “Green Card Lottery” SPAM across a grand
total of 5,500 Usenet discussion groups, pissing off everyone from Trekkies
to Furries to the 7 dedicated members of the
*alt.binaries.images.sex.fetish.erotica.Gillian-Anderson-head-on-other-womens-bodies*
newsgroup.
And yet… it worked! In a 1994 interview, Canter & Siegel claim to have
gained a thousand new clients and earned over a hundred thousand dollars
with an ad that cost pennies! Insert your own *Christian Bale* "Good for
you!” sound effect here.
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