PARACULTURAL CALENDAR FOR AUGUST 23

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in the year 79 AD, the European continent's only active
volcano, Vesuvius, blows its top. Thousands die, asphyxiated by clouds of
hot, poison gas, and the vibrant Roman cities of Pompeii and, less
famously, Herculaneum, are buried under a thick layer of steaming mud and
ash. The dead cities lay undisturbed and preserved for millennia until, in
the eighteenth century, archaeological excavations began. They continue to
this very day. Priceless art treasures and great, formative works of
philosophy, literature and science were discovered, fueling the
Enlightenment. Today, Vesuvius is still active, and scientists claim it's
only a matter of time before she pops off again. Nearly a million people
live in her "kill zone." Who knows? Maybe in another two thousand years
they'll be digging up empty Brio bottles and copies of L'Espresso magazine
and marveling at the wonder of it all.
***

On this day in 1305, Sir William Wallace - better known today as Braveheart
- is executed for high treason at Smithfield in London.

***

On this day in 1572, the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre takes place in
France when King Charles IX - acting on the wishes of his mother, Catherine
de Medici - orders the assassination of French Protestant leaders, known
asHugenots, who were attending the marriage of their leader, Navarre, to
the King's sister, in Paris. Once word got out the the King's men were
killing Protestant leaders, Frenchmen across the nation went bonkers,
massacring any Protestant they could get their hands on. Despite a royal
proclamation to cease and desist, the killings went on into October, by
which time nearly seventy thousand French Protestants had been slaughtered.
Meanwhile, up in heaven, Jesus and God looked at each other and shook their
heads in utter disbelief.

***

On this day in 1784, Western North Carolina (now eastern Tennessee)
declares itself an independent state under the name of Franklin; it is not
accepted into the United States, and only lasts for four years.

***

On this day in 1863, a Confederate-sympathizing, slavery-supporting
reprobate by the name of William C. Quantrillleads 450 guerrila-style
"raiders" in a violent attack on the city of Lawrence, Kansas. The
rampaging army - which included the infamous James and Younger crime gangs
- burned down most major buildings in the city, and killed over 200 men and
boys.

***

On this day in 1927, Italian Anarchists Sacco and Vanzetti are executed
after a lengthy, controversial trial.

***

On this day in 1939, Germany and the Soviet Union sign a non-aggression
treaty, the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact. In a secret addition to the pact, the
Baltic states, Finland, Romania, and Poland are divided between the two
nations. Meanwhile, three years later to the day, on this day in 1942, the
Battle of Stalingrad begins after Hitler stupidly chooses to invade the
USSR.

***

On this day in 1966, Lunar Orbiter 1 takes the first photograph of Earth
from orbit around the Moon.

***

On this day in 1968, drummer Ringo Starr quits The Beatles over a minor
disagreement. He soon comes to the terrifying realization that he's RINGO
STARR, for fuck's sake, and promptly returns, tail tucked tightly between
his legs, acting as though nothing had happened. Taking pity on him, John
Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrisonlet it slide.

***

On this day in 1973 a bank robbery gone wrong in Stockholm, Sweden, turns
into a hostage crisis; over the next five days the hostages begin to
sympathize with their captors, leading to the term "Stockholm syndrome".

***

On this day in 1990, a computer genius named Tim Berners-Lee opens the WWW
- World Wide Web to new users.

***

On this day in 1990, Armenia declares its independence from the Soviet
Union.

***

On this day in 1993, the Galileo spacecraft discovers a moon, later named
Dactyl, around 243 Ida, the first known asteroid moon.

***

On this day in 1996, Saudi-born terrorist Osama bin Laden issues message
entitled "A declaration of war against the Americans occupying the land of
the two holy places." At the time, Republicans scoff at President Clinton's
attempts to take this threat seriously.

***

Five years ago on this day, yours truly predicted that on this day in the
year 2013, the alphabet would go the way of the Morse Code, as all human
beings who manage to survive the devastating "Common Cold Plague" have
their brains implanted with tiny microchips that allow all twelve of them
to be in constant telepathic communication with each other, using Bluetooth
technology. Too bad it didn't come to pass.
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