Groaners

[Bruce Appelbaum]

And of course, there is the famous piano tuner Oppor Knockety.  Any  
piano he tuned stayed tuned forever.  Because Oppor Knockety tunes  
just once.


Bruce

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
--- Groucho Marx



On Sep 17, 2007, at 4:02 PM, Henry wrote:

> Is there a word for multi-word puns?  Does anyone know of a list of  
> Pynchon
> groaners?  I guess my fave TRP groaner is the GR "For DeMille, young
> fur-henchmen can't be rowing."
>
> Not TRP, but:
>
> 1) King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years  
> of war
> with the Hittites.  His last great possession was the Star of the   
> Euphrates
> , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
> Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
>
> Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."
>
> "But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.  "Don't  
> you know
> who I am?  I am the king!"
>
> Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference  
> who you
> are."
>
> (2)  Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were   
> avid
> bowlers.  However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately  
> destroyed
> in a fire, so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
>
> (3) A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor!   
> I  think
> I'm shrinking!!"
> The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle  down.  You'll just have  
> to be a
> little patient."
>
> (4) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered   
> dolphins
> that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of  
> seagulls.  One
> day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap  
> some more.
> On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.  Afraid to  
> wake
> them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he  was arrested  
> and
> charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions  for immortal  
> porpoises.
>
>
> (5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts  
> wanted  to
> produce other products and, since they already made the cases for   
> watches,
> they used them to produce compasses.  The new compasses were so bad  
> that
> people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California .   
> This, of
> course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
>
> (6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the   
> toilets
> and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying,  
> "We have
> absolutely nothing to  go on."
>
> (7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the   
> medicine man.
> After a brief examination, the medicine man took out  a long, thin  
> strip of
> elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling  him to bite off,  
> chew, and
> swallow one inch of the leather every day.
>
> After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was   
> feeling.
> The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady  
> lingers
> on."
>
> (8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found   
> his name
> missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining  
> to the
> local civic official who apologized profusely  saying, "I must have  
> taken
> Leif off my census."
>
> (9) There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin, one   
> slept on
> an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three  
> became
> pregnant, and the first two each had a baby boy.
> The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This  
> goes  to
> prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of   
> the squaws
> of the other two hides.
>
> (10) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk   
> remedies
> with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the   
> leaves of a
> particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.
>
> When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him  
> in the
> eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs  
> enemas.
>
> Henry Mu
> http://www.urdomain.us/kcuf.htm
>

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