ParaCultural Calendar for Jan 6, 2015

[Mark Thibodeau]

On this day in *1492*, *Ferdinand and Isabella*, the Catholic Monarchs
enter Granada, completing the Reconquista of Spain from the Moors (Muslims).

***

On this day in *1540*, *King Henry VIII* of England marries *Anne of Cleves*.
A particularly annoying *Rick Wakeman tune* ensues.

***

On this day in *1721*, the Committee of Inquiry on the *South Sea
Bubble* publishes
its findings.

***

On this day in *1912*, German geophysicist *Alfred Wegener* first presents
his theory of continental drift. Betcha didn't know that theory was so
young, didja?

***

On this day in *1929*, *Mother Teresa* arrives in Calcutta, India, where
she begins her long crusade of NOT bringing nourishing food, healing
medicine, or any kind of real, actual, *measurable* relief to India's
poorest and sickest people. In other words, this sacred cow did *less than
nothing*.

***

On this day in *1931*, *Thomas Edison* submits his final patent
application. I think it was an auto-fellatio machine or something. In any
case, it didn't catch on.

***

On this day in the year *1941*, the 20th century's greatest president
– *Franklin
Delano Roosevelt*- said the following:

"In the future days which we seek to make secure, we look forward to a
world founded upon four essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of
speech and expression - everywhere in the world. The second is freedom of
every person to worship God in his own way everywhere in the world. The
third is freedom from want, which, translated into world terms, means
economic understandings that will secure to every nation a healthy
peacetime life for its inhabitants - everywhere in the world. The fourth is
freedom from fear, which, translated into world terms, means a world-wide
reduction of armaments to such a point and in such a thorough fashion that
no nation will be in a position to commit an act of physical aggression
against any neighbor - anywhere in the world. That is no vision of a
distant millennium. It is a definite basis for a kind of world attainable
in our own time and generation. That kind of world is the very antithesis
of the so-called New Order of tyranny that the dictators seek to create
with the crash of a bomb."


We've come a long way, baby.

***

On this day in *1995*, a chemical fire in an apartment complex in Manila,
Philippines, leads to the discovery of plans for *Project Bojinka*, a
mass-terrorist attack.

***

On this day in *2009*, in response to continual bombardment of civilian
population centers by Palestinian militants, Israel conducts an assault on
Gaza. *Operation Cast Lead*. And they all lived happily ever after.

***

On this day in *1994*, one of the most ridiculous scandals in modern
history is sparked when a crowbar-wielding attacker strikes figure
skater *Nancy
Kerrigan* on the knee as she exits the ice after a day's practice.
Unfortunately, the aftermath of the attack was caught on video, and images
of Kerrigan sitting on the floor, hugging her wounded leg, howling "Why
meee?! Why anyone?!?" virtually guaranteed that the media would milk this
story dry. And when it turned out that the attacker was linked to *Tonya
Harding* - Kerrigan's main rival for Olympic gold - all bets were off. It
was just too perfect... Nancy the Ice Wasp versus White Trash Tonya.

In the post-September 11th world, it's easy to forget that there was a
year-long period when you literally couldn't escape the Kerrigan/Harding
saga. Unless you were lucky enough to be in a coma at the time, all those
stupid details are permanently seared into your brain. Remember Harding's
sleaze-ball hubby, *Jeff Gillooly*? His tub-o-lard henchman, *Shawn
Echkardt*? The vaudevillian amateur thugs, *Derrick Smith* and *Shane Stant*,
who were paid six grand to "eliminate" Kerrigan from the Olympic picture?
Their nearly instantaneous surrenders and confessions? Tonya's changing
stories about her knowledge of and involvement with the plot? The
Lillehammer Showdown? Harding's Achilles skate-lace-snap and the ensuing
drama? Kerrigan's silver medal? Harding's 8th place humiliation? Of course
you do.

And who can forget *Gillooly's Revenge?* After Harding dropped him like a
handful of fish guts, he sold their XXX-rated honeymoon videos to
Penthouse, singlehandedly kick-starting America's now-insatiable appetite
to watch famous people - who, unlike porn stars, were not famous for
fucking - fuck.

For her part, after hosting the fifth worst episode ever of *Saturday Night
Live*, Nancy Kerrigan faded into obscurity. For Harding, leaving the
limelight would not prove so easy. In 2000, she went on a drunken rampage,
beating up her new boyfriend with a hubcap. She was also charged with DUI.

In 2002, Harding redeemed herself somewhat by pummelling the shit out of
that lying hosebag *Paula Jones* on Fox TV's *Celebrity Boxing*.
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