twerp in cornell

[Jochen Stremmel]

INTERVIEWER

What is a twerp in the strictest sense, in the original sense?

VONNEGUT

It’s a person who inserts a set of false teeth between the cheeks of his
ass.

INTERVIEWER

I see.

VONNEGUT

I beg your pardon; between the cheeks of his or *her* ass. I’m always
offending feminists that way.

INTERVIEWER

I don’t quite understand why someone would do that with false teeth.

VONNEGUT

In order to bite the buttons off the backseats of taxicabs. That’s the only
reason twerps do it. It’s all that turns them on.

INTERVIEWER

You went to Cornell University after Shortridge?

VONNEGUT

I imagine.

INTERVIEWER

You imagine?

VONNEGUT

I had a friend who was a heavy drinker. If somebody asked him if he’d been
drunk the night before, he would always answer offhandedly, “Oh, I
imagine.” I’ve always liked that answer. It acknowledges life as a dream.
Cornell was a boozy dream, partly because of booze itself, and partly
because I was enrolled exclusively in courses I had no talent for. My
father and brother agreed that I should study chemistry, since my brother
had done so well with chemicals at M.I.T. He’s eight years older than I am.
Funnier, too. His most famous discovery is that silver iodide will
sometimes make it rain or snow.